Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.
I’m Not OK – My Chemical Romance
Sorry for the delay in posting kids. A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I’m just (still) not sure how to express myself. School has started back up and seems to be ok. My classes are interesting and although all the driving might kill me, I haven’t started dreading anything yet, which by the second week of classes is a first for me.
Eric and I have had some really good times. Moments so sweet that I wish that I could stay in them forever. Slivers of time when the world feels perfect and I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else but in his arms. When I feel like he is the only one I want and the only one I’ll ever want. When I feel perfectly safe. When I feel like I could do this one thing forever and not get bored. Moments when I am so happy to be his.
But. There is a But. I’m falling hard and fast. I know this. Every time I see him I feel it a little more. When we are apart it hurts and all I can think about is when I am going to be able to see him again. I’m losing control and it’s not comfortable. In general, I’m not so good with uncontrollable emotion, I’m even less proficient when I’m not sure how he feels. I’m not so sure why knowing how he feels makes me so manic. It’s not like I’m going to feel less for him, if he doesn’t feel the same way for me. I suppose it’s a survival mechanism. If he doesn’t feel the same way, I’d like some time to try and not be broken about it. I have this tendency to date guys that I don’t feel strongly about, because then I don’t get hurt. Eric is the first guy, since probably Matt, who I’ve totally flipped for, without knowing how he feels. And when Matt left me, I broke. I’ve been guarding my heart for so many years, and in walks Eric and foils my plan. And I love him and hate him for it.
So, here are the things that are bothering me, it seems like a laundry list, but writing them down makes them feel more manageable somehow:
- I am more vocal about how I feel that he is. I’m ok with that. But after 3.5 months, it would be nice to have some sort of idea of how he feels about me. A “You’re beautiful” or “I missed you” or “I’m dying to see you” would be nice. I know he isn’t about the words, and that is one of the reasons I like him so much. He’s about the action. If he misses me, he’ll make plans to see me. If he is attracted to me, he’ll kiss me – he doesn’t feel the need to say it. But sometimes I just need to hear it.
- When he has spare time, he often plans things to do without me. I understand the need for “guy time” but, when I have free time, I’d like to spend it with him – I wish he felt the same way. With my new school schedule is it harder and harder to see each other during the week – it would be nice if he could plan time with the guys during the week, so that weekends can be for us. Sometimes I feel like if hanging out with me became more complicated, it wouldn’t happen. That it only occurs because it is easy.
- I’d like to meet his family and his son. I know that he doesn’t care if they like me, and that he is not as close to them as I am to mine, but I’m starting to feel like we are hiding.
The lack of communication is leading to trust issues. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. He’s always been very honest with me. Like when we first started talking, he told me that he was dating someone else, and I was so impressed by that. (Mostly cause I was dating like 3 other guys and was not about to volunteer that information.) But, the silence makes me feel like he is hiding something. Every time we talk about this stuff he apologizes, I don’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want him to be sorry. I just want him to tell me how he feels.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.
I’m Not OK – My Chemical Romance
Sorry for the delay in posting kids. A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I’m just (still) not sure how to express myself. School has started back up and seems to be ok. My classes are interesting and although all the driving might kill me, I haven’t started dreading anything yet, which by the second week of classes is a first for me.
Eric and I have had some really good times. Moments so sweet that I wish that I could stay in them forever. Slivers of time when the world feels perfect and I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else but in his arms. When I feel like he is the only one I want and the only one I’ll ever want. When I feel perfectly safe. When I feel like I could do this one thing forever and not get bored. Moments when I am so happy to be his.
But. There is a But. I’m falling hard and fast. I know this. Every time I see him I feel it a little more. When we are apart it hurts and all I can think about is when I am going to be able to see him again. I’m losing control and it’s not comfortable. In general, I’m not so good with uncontrollable emotion, I’m even less proficient when I’m not sure how he feels. I’m not so sure why knowing how he feels makes me so manic. It’s not like I’m going to feel less for him, if he doesn’t feel the same way for me. I suppose it’s a survival mechanism. If he doesn’t feel the same way, I’d like some time to try and not be broken about it. I have this tendency to date guys that I don’t feel strongly about, because then I don’t get hurt. Eric is the first guy, since probably Matt, who I’ve totally flipped for, without knowing how he feels. And when Matt left me, I broke. I’ve been guarding my heart for so many years, and in walks Eric and foils my plan. And I love him and hate him for it.
So, here are the things that are bothering me, it seems like a laundry list, but writing them down makes them feel more manageable somehow:
- I am more vocal about how I feel that he is. I’m ok with that. But after 3.5 months, it would be nice to have some sort of idea of how he feels about me. A “You’re beautiful” or “I missed you” or “I’m dying to see you” would be nice. I know he isn’t about the words, and that is one of the reasons I like him so much. He’s about the action. If he misses me, he’ll make plans to see me. If he is attracted to me, he’ll kiss me – he doesn’t feel the need to say it. But sometimes I just need to hear it.
- When he has spare time, he often plans things to do without me. I understand the need for “guy time” but, when I have free time, I’d like to spend it with him – I wish he felt the same way. With my new school schedule is it harder and harder to see each other during the week – it would be nice if he could plan time with the guys during the week, so that weekends can be for us. Sometimes I feel like if hanging out with me became more complicated, it wouldn’t happen. That it only occurs because it is easy.
- I’d like to meet his family and his son. I know that he doesn’t care if they like me, and that he is not as close to them as I am to mine, but I’m starting to feel like we are hiding.
The lack of communication is leading to trust issues. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. He’s always been very honest with me. Like when we first started talking, he told me that he was dating someone else, and I was so impressed by that. (Mostly cause I was dating like 3 other guys and was not about to volunteer that information.) But, the silence makes me feel like he is hiding something. Every time we talk about this stuff he apologizes, I don’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want him to be sorry. I just want him to tell me how he feels.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Nostalgia.
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
1: What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I jumped in my car and drove 13 hours to see a boy I’d never met before. It was empowering and exciting and it makes me feel like there isn’t anything I can’t do. I adopted a kitten. I had an orgasm in girl on top. I read Dean Koontz. I waited 5 dates before I kissed a boy. There were a lot of firsts this year.
2: What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 this past year. I don’t remember what I did, it was obviously exciting. I think I spent a lot of it crying.
3: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Maintaining the GPA. Making Dr. Jorsch fall in love with me.
4: What was your biggest failure?
Ruining my friendship with Joel.
5: What is your biggest regret?
Not breaking up with Joel earlier. Not being honest about how I felt.
6: What was the best thing you bought?
This one pair of jeans that makes my ass look crazy hot. Well. They make me look like I have an ass.
7: Where did most of your money go?
Books, gas, clothes.
8: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Eric.
9: What song will always remind you of 2006?
Hear You Me – Jimmy Eat World
10: Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Definitely happier.
11: Compared to this time last year, are you richer or poorer?
Financially, poorer I think. In other respects, richer.
12: Compared to this time last year, are you fatter or thinner?
Thinner, thank god.
13: Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fell out of love in 2006. I fell in love with Bella. It’s possible that I am falling in love again.
14: How many people did you kiss?
I’m not totally sure. The summer was a bit of blur. Maybe 10?
15: How many people did you sleep with?
What’s with the hard questions. 5 or 6? Maybe? So, I was kinda busy this summer.
16: How did you spend New Year's Eve?
Party for 2 at Eric’s. He made dinner. There was drinking. There was a couch and movies, and fireworks visible through the window. But really, any evening that ends face down, ass up is good for me. It was a lovely way to ring in the New Year.
17: What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
American Citizenship.
18: Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember if I made resolutions last year. Presumably I did, and obviously I worked really hard to follow them. Haha. This year I am going to have more dates with my treadmill and I am going to wear high heels more often.
19: Did anyone close to you give birth this year?
Joel’s bro had a beautiful baby boy. He’s adorable.
20: Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, thank god. But we did bury my Gramma in May. (She died in December.)
21: What countries did you visit this year?
The U.S. and Canada. Exciting eh?
22: What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why?
October 1, my first date with Eric. It was fun but it was also the beginning of the best thing that happened to me this year.
23: Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, I’m a healthy kid. Well, with the exception of this digestive issue that’s been harassing me forever.
24: What was your favorite TV program for the year?
The Office, followed by One Tree Hill, my new guilty pleasure.
25: Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I’m not really into the hating.
26: What was the best book you read this year?
A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon.
27: What was your favorite film of the year? ‘
The Departed.
28: How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Same as always, eclectic, heavy on the tank tops and flip flops.
29: Whom did you miss this year?
Allison. I hate being so far.
30: Who was the best new person you met this year?
Eric. He totally rocks me.
31: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year.
Don’t lie. Ever. Don’t lie to try to protect someone. Don’t think that you know what someone else would want to know. Don’t think that you can ever protect them. The truth will eventually surface and it will break you and it will hurt them even more than you thought possible.
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
1: What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I jumped in my car and drove 13 hours to see a boy I’d never met before. It was empowering and exciting and it makes me feel like there isn’t anything I can’t do. I adopted a kitten. I had an orgasm in girl on top. I read Dean Koontz. I waited 5 dates before I kissed a boy. There were a lot of firsts this year.
2: What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 this past year. I don’t remember what I did, it was obviously exciting. I think I spent a lot of it crying.
3: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Maintaining the GPA. Making Dr. Jorsch fall in love with me.
4: What was your biggest failure?
Ruining my friendship with Joel.
5: What is your biggest regret?
Not breaking up with Joel earlier. Not being honest about how I felt.
6: What was the best thing you bought?
This one pair of jeans that makes my ass look crazy hot. Well. They make me look like I have an ass.
7: Where did most of your money go?
Books, gas, clothes.
8: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Eric.
9: What song will always remind you of 2006?
Hear You Me – Jimmy Eat World
10: Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Definitely happier.
11: Compared to this time last year, are you richer or poorer?
Financially, poorer I think. In other respects, richer.
12: Compared to this time last year, are you fatter or thinner?
Thinner, thank god.
13: Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fell out of love in 2006. I fell in love with Bella. It’s possible that I am falling in love again.
14: How many people did you kiss?
I’m not totally sure. The summer was a bit of blur. Maybe 10?
15: How many people did you sleep with?
What’s with the hard questions. 5 or 6? Maybe? So, I was kinda busy this summer.
16: How did you spend New Year's Eve?
Party for 2 at Eric’s. He made dinner. There was drinking. There was a couch and movies, and fireworks visible through the window. But really, any evening that ends face down, ass up is good for me. It was a lovely way to ring in the New Year.
17: What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
American Citizenship.
18: Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember if I made resolutions last year. Presumably I did, and obviously I worked really hard to follow them. Haha. This year I am going to have more dates with my treadmill and I am going to wear high heels more often.
19: Did anyone close to you give birth this year?
Joel’s bro had a beautiful baby boy. He’s adorable.
20: Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, thank god. But we did bury my Gramma in May. (She died in December.)
21: What countries did you visit this year?
The U.S. and Canada. Exciting eh?
22: What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why?
October 1, my first date with Eric. It was fun but it was also the beginning of the best thing that happened to me this year.
23: Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, I’m a healthy kid. Well, with the exception of this digestive issue that’s been harassing me forever.
24: What was your favorite TV program for the year?
The Office, followed by One Tree Hill, my new guilty pleasure.
25: Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I’m not really into the hating.
26: What was the best book you read this year?
A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon.
27: What was your favorite film of the year? ‘
The Departed.
28: How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Same as always, eclectic, heavy on the tank tops and flip flops.
29: Whom did you miss this year?
Allison. I hate being so far.
30: Who was the best new person you met this year?
Eric. He totally rocks me.
31: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year.
Don’t lie. Ever. Don’t lie to try to protect someone. Don’t think that you know what someone else would want to know. Don’t think that you can ever protect them. The truth will eventually surface and it will break you and it will hurt them even more than you thought possible.
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