Love surround me with all your reach,
Now while we’re here alone.
Now our bodies are ocean and beach,
Blessings of waves and stones.
Surround Me – Ben Taylor

It was after midnight. He had to be at work early the next morning. The last thing I wanted to do was peel myself off his chest and out of his arms. I took a deep breath and said “I should go.” He just looked at me. Looked at me with those eyes and said “You don’t have to, you know.” Sigh. I was wondering when it would come to this. The point where staying in your arms, regardless of what their coming day is like, is the priority. I said “Oh, but I do.”

It’s complicated when you live with your parents. Its even more complicated when the parents are my parents. My parents are awesome, they’ve been great about me living here and mooching, but there are house rules and spending the night at a boys without a really good reason, like we both drank too much, or there was an alien invasion or an avalanche trapping us, is a no-no. So, random sleep overs are not going to happen.

I didn’t have to wait to long. My parents went to Guelph for a couple of days. Perfect. We went to dinner. We went to see The Holiday (majorly disappointing). We stopped at my house to grab a toothbrush and my car so that he didn’t have to drive me home in the morning. We watched some of that 70’s show, but we were both so tired and laying in his arms I was privy to the deep even breaths of sleep. He decided to go to bed. I decided to follow him. I didn’t expect much excitement. He was tired. As was I. As I crawled into bed beside him, which felt amazing, and into the new sheets I bought him for christmas, which felt amazing, he reached for me. We kissed. It was lovely. Lovely to feel his arms around me. Lovely to be in his room. So intimate. Then he got on top of me, and I knew this was going somewhere but I would not have dreamed about what was coming. He went down. Numerous times. Spontaneously, out of the blue. He left me screaming his name, breathless, toes curled and limbs shaking. There was hours of this. I was dying to fuck him. He made me beg, such a tease, apparently I deserve this for my past behavior. It was worth it.

His bed is not as comfy as mine (or allison’s) but the company was good. I didn’t sleep well though. Weirdo dreams. But morning was very nice. We cuddled. Watched tv in bed. I returned the favour. Cuddled some more. That is until someone started pounding on his front door. His brother, to drop something off. Great – and my car in the driveway, me hiding in eric’s room in not enough clothes and Eric throwing something on. So embarrassing. Our first sleepover – busted. His brother told him he thought it was awfully late to still be in bed. Well. I suppose noon is a little lateish. Hehe.

I’m a happy camper. A good sleepover. Good conversation. Good cuddling. Good sex. I’m amazed that we haven’t had any sort of disagreement yet. We just don’t have anything to fight about. It’s kinda weird. Especially since fighting seemed to characterize my relationship with Joel, even in the beginning. So, I’m excited for tomorrow. We’re having a party for 2. Should be good.

This feels good. It feels safe. And Comfortable. And Right.

I don't want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need.
I don't care about the presents.
Underneath the Christmas tree.
I just want you for my own,
More than you could ever know.
Make my wish come true,
All I want for Christmas is you.

He called today when he got off work. We talked, it was good. His plans to hang out with his son were cancelled so he asked if I was free. He thought it would be a good time to exchange presents. I arrived, slightly pissed cause Pete is being difficult. But we talked for hours. Not talked on commercials. Or talked over the movie. But sat across the table from each other and talked. It was so nice. It was like the beginning. I feel like I know him so much better. We talked about why his day was so shitty. We talked about Joel. We talked about our parents and our families and why christmas can suck so much. Its been a long time since we really shared and it felt really good.

We cuddled up on the couch and exchanged presents. He liked his. I’m glad. I’m looking forward to seeing how hot he looks in the sweater, and seeing if I ever get to try out his new sheets. He got me these beautiful white gold and crystal star earrings. I’m astounded by how observant he is. I wear a lot of little crystals and a lot of stars. He did a really good job. I’m blown away. And he got me a teddy bear, which I love. He is so soft. It’s one of the best christmas presents I’ve ever received from a boy. Stuff I would use and wear. Stuff that he thought about.

After we watched Pirates II and cuddled. It amazes me how he can read my mind sometimes. I left around 2:30 and I could tell he didn’t want me to leave. It feels really good. It feels really good cause I was feeling so confused about us. I was so worried that he was having second thoughts or that he had found someone else. Meanwhile he gets me a perfect and thoughtful christmas gift and we spend this amazing evening talking. But it also feels so good, cause I’m really happy. I’m excited to see my fam this christmas cause I am genuinely excited about the future.

I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws sometimes, I even sin
So pull me from my pedestal, I don’t belong there
Halo - Bethany Joy

Today was shit.

I'm not good at having nothing to do. I the most happy when my life is bursting with projects and I have no time to even think. When I have time to think, I get depressed. I start to stew about the direction (or lack thereof) of my life and I start to wallow. So, this time of year, with its hectic waiting is kind of hard on me. Everyone is busy with family stuff, but I'm not, my fam isn't like that. I have too much free time.

I received a letter in the mail from Joel. A Christmas card with his picture in it. It's a nice picture. He looks good. Happy. Reminded me that the picture was taken before I ripped his heart out. It feels weird though. It was pleasant. Not overly friendly, but why send someone a christmas card when you're sending them emails telling them what a bitch they are?

Eric and I didn't talk yesterday. He was busy and I understand that. I wish that I could have talked to him about the Joel situation. I was looking forward to seeing him tonight. I needed to see him tonight. I needed him to put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I was still in class when he called. Called and left a message that he had a shitty day and he was going to bed and therefore would not be available later. Crap. I understand having crap days. I understand wanting to sleep through them. But. When my days are shit I want to be with him. I wish he felt the same way. Everything has just felt a little bit off lately. It's unsettling.

So. I'm at home with my parents. I don't know when I'm going to see him again. And I miss him and I'm bored and starting to think too much...

I spent most of last night dragging this lake,
for the corpses of all my past mistakes.
My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon – Fall Out Boy

I received an email from Joel, basically just letting me know that he is still broken. I know. I know he is still broken. I know, because I am still broken. I know because I know him.

At this point I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. There is nothing I can do make it better. There is nothing I can do to take it back. And I’m scared that I’m hanging on to the hope that we can emerge from this still as friends, but as I get these emails reminding me how horrible I am, I’m beginning to feel like my willingness to hope for friendship is some sort of a test, some way of trying to hurt me that way I hurt him.

So I wrote him an email. A somewhat diplomatic one I think. Explaining that where we go from here is up to him. I have no expectations. That I can respect him whatever he chose. But, that he cannot continue to vilify and crucify me if he wants us to eventually be friends again. I just don’t think that we can be friends, unless he can eventually understand that I made a mistake. Regardless, the emails need to stop.

I think it is good that he thinks differently of me. Although I hate it. I think it’s probably for the best. He was having a hard time getting over me. I needed to fall off the pedestal in order for him to put someone else on it.
But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head.
Through the Glass - Stone Sour


We had sex tonight. So why is it that I can't stop crying?


Everything has been weird since thursday. I said something teasingly and it hurt him. At 10pm he asked me to pick out a movie to watch. I was kinda surprised but just assumed that he was tired and didn't want to make out. At 11 he was agitated, and kept looking at me and said: I can't believe that you picked a movie that you had never seen before. I thought you would have picked one that you had seen before. Now - this makes no sense, unless, he was thinking, if she picks a movie that she already saw, then we can make out. So I said: Ohhhh. I see. You didn't really want to watch a movie, you just wanted to make out. And he said no. and tickled me and then was quiet, but I was trying to watch the movie, so I didn't think about it. At the end of the evening. I went to give him a kiss goobye, and he pulled away. Said that if all I thought was that he wanted to make out with me, that there was going to be no kissing.

Eventually we worked it out. But, I left feeling weird. Part manipulated. Part sad that he might have though that. Just really confused and alone.

This weekend he went north to a friends cottage for the weekend. Well, the friend is his boss, so I think he felt some pressure to go, but all they did was play so it's not like it was work or anything. I was a bit frustrated, cause my parents were going away. So we could have spent the weekend together, which would have been really nice. But he left.

He called me when he got home. We made plans. I went over. Things got hot. Hot, but weird. Firstly he didn't have any protection. I did. But it's weird to me that he would initate anything without having something there. It also, was nice, but not mind blowing. It was awkward. I have short legs. Straddling him is a lot of work and my legs gave out. He's also not agressive at all. So it seems like he didn't do anything, any of the work. And he didn't go down, which is a major issue. I'm going to give him more time. But. I dunno. Plus, we were on his couch, which is not the ideal spot for the first time. I don't get it. After there was no cuddling. But we watched some tv and laughed. When I left I mentioned that I had an exam tomorrow and he told me that was easier than his day was going to be. He wasn't mean, he was just really cold.

I wasn't expecting the first time to be perfect. It never is. It's awkward. You feel like you're all knees and elbows. But it's supposed to be fun and warm and bring you closer together. And it makes me feel so far from him.

I feel cold. I feel like I don't want to do it again. I feel scared and insecure. I'm falling for him and I'm seeing these sides of him that are not ideal and I'm scared. We've been doing this for almost 3 months.

I'm disappointed.

And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
The Reason Why - Rachel Yamagata

He told me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I can't say I blame him, I wouldn't want to talk to me either. But it still hurts.

I'm broken, and its all my fault. He's the vicitim, not me. There is nothing that I am feeling that is not of my own creation. I'm having a hard time with that. I'm having a hard time knowing that I devastated him and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. I've never hurt anyone like this before, and I managed to do it to the one person in my life who would never do it to me.

It's weird. I felt so shitty at the time. What I was doing to him. The lies, the betrayal. Somehow after we'd broken up I thought that everything would be ok. If I could just hide it, he would never have to know. He would never have to be hurt like this.

It's been suggested that I just accept it and move on. Accept that he won't ever trust me again. Accept that I did a really shitty thing. Just forget and move on. But I can't. I keep fostering this hope that we can move past this. Not that he will put me back on the pedestal, cause god knows I never belonged there, but that maybe we can still communicate. Maybe he can remember what it was like before it was shitty. Maybe he can be a bigger person than I am and eventually if not forgive me than allow me to prove my trustworthiness.

I can't let it go because I can't forget the last 5 years of my life. I don't want every memory of me to be clouded with distrust and hurt. I know I screwed up. Royally. In a way that I never have before, and that is pretty amazing for me.


I can't let him go and the terrifying part is that he has every reason in the world to walk away.

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life…
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been – Reliant K


I wouldn’t have thought that this past weekend could be worse than the weekend before, I didn’t think anything could be more heartbreaking than the weekend before, but I was wrong.

It started out nice enough. Friday, Eric and I met my parents for dinner to celebrate my Mum’s birthday. It was nice, easy, fun. We saw Déjà vu after, it was good. Saturday I did a whole lot of nothing, worked on some Christmas cards, wrote my economics paper, finished some Christmas shopping – everyone but Eric is done now. Saturday night I was feeling kinda shitty, my digestive system is still on the fritz and I’m PMSing, so I crashed on Eric’s couch in my jogging pants and watched hours of One Tree Hill.

Sunday morning, I spent chilling with my parents cause my Mum was leaving for Detroit for a week. After she left I noticed a message from Joel on MSN, sounded like he needed to chat so I gave him a call. We had a good chat, he seemed agitated, but I honestly thought it was about something like a speeding ticket or something… not the iceberg that my titanic was steaming towards.

It started innocently enough. He asked if I really wanted him to come. I was honest that I was torn. Then he started down a road and I knew immediately where it was going. I knew that he had found this blog. All of a sudden the only thing that I had kept me sane through this madness, the ability to spill my guts to someone, betrayed me, sold me out.

All I could process in my brain were these big red letters that said.. “HE KNOWS”. He knows that I’m a cheater, a liar and he knows the truth about Eric. I felt exposed and ashamed.

He is incredibly hurt. It’s understandable. I did the unthinkable. It is all my fault, and there is nothing that he could ever do to deserve the pain that I have caused.

I feel broken.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if it even can be fixed.

In a way there is relief. I no longer have to live a lie.
But I hurt one of the most innocent and good people in my life.
I drove away the one person I could totally depend on.

What kind of person am I? What kind of person does these things? I try to console myself with my obvious loneliness. But it doesn’t justify anything.

When he called he was too easy on me. Too understanding. Too nice. I still couldn't stand myself. I went for a walk, I ended up at Eric's spilling my guts about what a bitch I am. He was supportive - too nice. I came home and dreamed weird dreams. I was getting ready for school when the email arrived. The email that I knew was coming. The one that begins to spell out what a horrible person I am. I laid on the floor and cried. Cried first in self pity - that he would never see me the same. Then I cried for the friendship that I am sure to lose. Then I cried for his heart - that heart that I for so long occupied - the heart that is now broken because of me.

I wish I could just vanish. Fade into nothing. I wish I could make everything go away.

So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind,
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate Me - Blue October


Joel was supposed to call my cell on Saturday when the hockey tournament that he was helping to coach was over. Apparently Alltel hates me cause when I was in Canada, I can make calls, but I can’t take them. So he was calling and I was waiting. Eventually he tracked down Al’s house number and reached us. I headed over. Butterflies in my tummy. What would it be like? Would he be angry? Would he try to win me back. To really understand my frame of mind, you need to know that earlier in the week he told me that he wasn’t even close to being over me yet. That’s a lot of pressure.

When I pulled up to the house the drive was full of cars and I could see an awful lot of family members through the window. Ugh. Great. I’m not totally sure I want to see Joel, and I get to hang out with his whole family. Plus – I’m not even sure that Joel has told them about us yet. It was alright, I got to play with Harrison and we soon escaped to the basement.

He’s not a happy guy. He’s frustrated with himself for losing me and he’s kinda unhappy with life in general. It was hard to see him. To look into those eyes. I think that the body has memory. My arms wanted to be around him. But it was painful when I told them that they couldn’t. It was kinda awkward, but not nearly as much as it could have been. It was more painful. The feelings were too bare to be awkward.

The rest of the events of the evening are kind of jumbled and make little sense. I told him about Eric. He kissed me. He told me I was so sexy and that he really wanted to be with me. I told him that the physical was never our problem but that we can’t do this. We can’t hook up every time we see each other because then it will never be over. Not to mention, I’m crazy about Eric. He told me he didn’t think he loved me enough to make it work. This sealed the deal for me.

The next morning we exchanged Christmas gifts. I just gave him some shirts. I thought it was neutral enough. Something he could use, but not too personal. He got me a book, and some beautiful pottery that a teacher at his school makes. It was the best gift he’d ever given me. So lovely. So perfectly me. It was like he finally got me. I lost it. Tears everywhere.

We went out for breakfast. It was strange. Moments of normalcy mixed with hurt and confusion. He has interpreted the fact that I have found someone else as me not caring about him because he was easy to get over, which is of course not true at all. He is lonely and his job keeps him really busy. He never pictured anyone other than me being the one for him. He told me I was beautiful. We made plans to try and talk a little more. He asked if he could visit me during the holidays, I told him I would think about it.

I cried as I pulled out of the parking lot. Not because I think that it could work, but because I recognize that something that could have been really good – can’t be. Because I care about him and he is in a lot of pain. Because five years is a long time. Because the dream of being together, married, with babies is over. Because I have to start over.

There was also relief. Relief that I don’t have to deal with his parents anymore. Relief that he knows about Eric now. That I don’t have to guard my words or lie about where I am when he calls.

I miss what we had. I miss what there was the summer between 4th year and the migration to Michigan. I miss laying in bed together, talking and giggling. I miss that he was good with words. I miss constantly being reminded that he thought I was beautiful. I don’t miss the fact that the words were never enough. The empty promises. I don’t miss the fights about his family and how I would always lose.

It was hard. I cried a good part of the way home. Before I headed home I went to Eric’s. I really needed a hug but I also needed to tell him what happened. He didn’t really care. He wasn’t happy with Joel, but he trusts me. I didn’t want to peel myself out of his arms and go home. But I did.

It feels good. It feels like moving forward.

You said your life needed something special,
Well here I am.
Glad - Tyler Hilton

I’m sorry this has taken so long. It’s been surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, hard to write. I had hoped that maybe giving it some time would help me clear some of the confusion in my head. But it has not. The confusion remains although some of the details have become hazy.

I left at 10:30am. It was blizzarding but I was foolhardy and desperate to not be here. To be away from this and looking at things both new and old. A vacation from the thoughts that had been filling my mind. I had to stop a ridiculous number of times to clear off my icing wiper blades. There were points where I could not see at all, or where I was wiping a spot semi-clear with my gloved hand out the window. There were times I was sure I would die. But I didn’t.

It took me 10 hrs to go as far as 6 would usually take me. But then I got there, to Pato’s bed, it felt like home. It was so good to see her, to hear her giggle, to hear new stories while slideshows of old adventures passed through my mind. It’s good to see how happy she is.

There was talking into the middle of the night. There was moaning in someone’s sleep. (I won’t name names…. But...I did hear it… ) There was yummy greasy breakfasts and romps at the Stag Shop where I purchased some new friends. Yes some, it was shitty when my other one broke, so I want back up this time. Plus, you can never have too many friends. There was Christmas shopping. She did the Christmas part, I was more about the shopping. But my oh my Ricki’s you do know how to make my ass look good.

I met the boy. He’s quiet. At first that threw me a little. But then I saw the look on her face when he’s around. She didn’t stop smiling the whole time and there is a little twinkle in her eye. I caught the little glances he snuck at her when she wasn’t looking. The hand on the knee. The knowing headshake and smile when the earring landed in the drink. Ahhh. Adorable.

I had been looking forward to seeing her for so long, that I hadn’t really thought about what it was going to be like to leave. Its weird how you can go so long without seeing someone, and yet when you come back its like nothing had changed. The bed where I sat hugging the pillow could have been in the basement at Hickory St, or in a Residence at Laurier. Time stopped for 24 hrs. But it had to start again. I had to leave and I had to leave not really knowing when the next time would be. Because of the anxiety I had about seeing Joel, the full effect didn’t hit me till I was heading home. But it definitely felt like I was leaving something I love behind.

to be continued...