I am not lonely, I swear to God, I'm just alone.
The Sound of - Jann Arden
How can one night end in two very different results?
It started with a fantastic conversation with the second boy, D. There was flirting. There was a lot of flirting. There were a lot of compliments. There was a lot of the types of conversation you have when you both find out that the other is not only interested but attracted as well. He wants to know what I "like." I don't know what I like! Not when I am talking to someone with whom I've very little intimacy but tons of potential. I could talk to my girls for hours about how and when I want it, but with him - I've got nothing.
I think part of it is that society has told us that women aren't supposed to actually want sex. We're supposed to put up with it. And I'm sorry my friends but I forgot my feminist roots and all of a sudden became very aware of my numbers. Is it too high? Too low? Too little experience? Too much? It's a touchy subject when the pairing is so new and there is so much potentially to lose.
Regardless of how much I was willing to discuss the conversation was very giggly and light and made me excited to see him again. Also insures that the next date will be better than the last as I become a far more interesting date when I know the guy digs me. So I get off the phone, conversation got so hot that it went from IM to phone :) To do some work and discover guy number one, G. is online and wants to chat.
Some nice idle chatter. Talking to him is always good. Even when he is grumpy about nerd things. So I wait for him to be less grumpy because of my attention and praise and I decide that tonight is the night to breach 'the subject.' That's right, we had a pretty awesome first date, and we've been talking like every night, but I have heard nothing regarding whether he wants to see me again. So. I ask. and I get:
"I would like to see you again. I'm still not sure of the context, completely though"
WTF kids. WTF.
Followed eventually by:
G: If you lived closer, I could definitely see us dating
Me: but?
G: A gut feeling - hard to verbalize - that we'd date and have a great time for a while, but it wouldn't be permanent. Eventually, one or both (historically speaking, both) of us would recognise that we weren't what the other was looking for.
So, I'm thinking he's trying to blow me off. That's fine maybe he doesn't dig me. But seriously, why talk to a girl every night if you're planning on blowing her off. But then....
"I look forward to talking to you; I'm comfortable talking to you; I value your thoughts; I think you're funny and smart and cute. I think you're responsible and kind. What I don't know is - are you who I'm looking for?"
Holy Jesus. H. Christ. I do not understand boys. Why is he worrying about this right now? We've had one date? Why does he keep talking to me? How can you be so unsure? and yet act completely the opposite?
The worst part? It has an incredible amount of potential. I can't stop thinking about how cute it is that he uses semicolons in IM. I can't stop thinking that I'm what he looking for. But I can't push it. I won't chase after a guy who doesn't know if he wants me or not. I will keep my mind open. I will continue to be his friend. But how can I wait around for a guy who doesn't even know what he wants?
So I got no sleep for thinking about how stupid and wonderful boys are. But I found out this morning that D had "really good" dreams about me last night :) I'm gonna go have a date with my pillow and hope for some of those dreams myself.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
So in the meantime, You'll be resting on my mind.
Almost Honest - Josh Kelley
So the plot thickens. I went on a date with another boy last night. I thought it was going to be innocent. We’ve been talking for awhile, and I honestly thought that there was nothing there. But now. There is confusion. I think I am going to wait and see.
He buzzed me at 4:30. I was excited and nervous and didn’t want to keep him waiting, so I opened the door with a bit more enthusiasm than normal. Hence my first thought was “dear god I almost killed him with the door.” We find out later that his first thought was “dear god she smells amazing.”
We went to a little park and walked around. It was really sweet, we saw swans, and a muskrat. He told me that I looked awesome, very pretty, and that he loved my hair colour. Because I don’t know how to take a compliment I told him it wasn’t mine. We walked around on the little trails and debated the big bang theory, evolution, deism and paganism. He’s really smart and gets really passionate when he talks about things – it’s incredibly cute.
We went to the CP for dinner. I had the CP salad (yum walnuts and dried cherries) and he had the loaded chicken. Pleasant dinner conversation. Lots of smiling over the table. I noticed that his hands look like he works with them but that he had scrubbed them for our meeting. That’s really sexy.
He has an obsession with diet coke.
We went to see Click. It was kinda a waste of time. Except it was nice to sit close. To feel the sparks when our knees would touch. To wonder if he would try and hold my hand. He didn’t. It was kind of disappointing, but the sparks were there.
We went and got frozen custard. Which my friends is sooooo much better than icecream. I think I might be addicted. We took our cones to the marina and sat on a bench by the water and watched the pitiful sunset, barely a little pink speck. Some bugs tried to fornicate on my foot. We compared hand sizes – his are bigger. He told me he thought pale was sexy, which is a good thing since I am rapidly losing my tan, and that I had cute feet. He told me about his family and his cat. I talked about my former job. He told me the difference between a geek (just good with tech) and a nerd (good with tech plus likes star trek or star wars). It was nice just to hear him talk. We decided we were freezing so we went back to my car to warm up.
I decided that I didn’t want him to go home yet so we went for a little drive and I almost got lost which was very impressive. When we got back to my place we were sitting in the driveway when my parents decided to come home. So I decided it would be sketchy to just sit there and not say hi, so he got to meet the PU’s a littler earlier than expected but it went well.
Then we went and played on the jungle gym that is beside my house. I still don’t know what I was thinking except that it was getting weird in my car and I wasn’t ready for him to leave yet, even though I had homework due before midnight that I still had not done. We climbed on the bars and he told me my monkey bars were wussy. My butt was getting sore but the conversation was good and the tension was crazy. I was making random nonsensical conversation about building castles out of sand with dog poop in it when he put his hand on the back of my head and drew me in.
His lips were so soft and warm. Nice open mouth. Intimate without being creepy. After he told me that I smelled amazing and that that was the first thing that he remembers about our date. I rambled on aimlessly about the name of my perfume, he just smiled at me like he understood that it was his kiss that made me especially incoherent and inarticulate.
I invited him to come visit me again. I promised to visit him in the future. We walked to his car. I rambled on about how when we first moved here we could hear the people next door having sex. He kissed me again. My knees weakened. His fingers in my hair. My hand on his chest. I didn’t want him to leave. I walked up the driveway smiling. I haven’t stopped.
Almost Honest - Josh Kelley
So the plot thickens. I went on a date with another boy last night. I thought it was going to be innocent. We’ve been talking for awhile, and I honestly thought that there was nothing there. But now. There is confusion. I think I am going to wait and see.
He buzzed me at 4:30. I was excited and nervous and didn’t want to keep him waiting, so I opened the door with a bit more enthusiasm than normal. Hence my first thought was “dear god I almost killed him with the door.” We find out later that his first thought was “dear god she smells amazing.”
We went to a little park and walked around. It was really sweet, we saw swans, and a muskrat. He told me that I looked awesome, very pretty, and that he loved my hair colour. Because I don’t know how to take a compliment I told him it wasn’t mine. We walked around on the little trails and debated the big bang theory, evolution, deism and paganism. He’s really smart and gets really passionate when he talks about things – it’s incredibly cute.
We went to the CP for dinner. I had the CP salad (yum walnuts and dried cherries) and he had the loaded chicken. Pleasant dinner conversation. Lots of smiling over the table. I noticed that his hands look like he works with them but that he had scrubbed them for our meeting. That’s really sexy.
He has an obsession with diet coke.
We went to see Click. It was kinda a waste of time. Except it was nice to sit close. To feel the sparks when our knees would touch. To wonder if he would try and hold my hand. He didn’t. It was kind of disappointing, but the sparks were there.
We went and got frozen custard. Which my friends is sooooo much better than icecream. I think I might be addicted. We took our cones to the marina and sat on a bench by the water and watched the pitiful sunset, barely a little pink speck. Some bugs tried to fornicate on my foot. We compared hand sizes – his are bigger. He told me he thought pale was sexy, which is a good thing since I am rapidly losing my tan, and that I had cute feet. He told me about his family and his cat. I talked about my former job. He told me the difference between a geek (just good with tech) and a nerd (good with tech plus likes star trek or star wars). It was nice just to hear him talk. We decided we were freezing so we went back to my car to warm up.
I decided that I didn’t want him to go home yet so we went for a little drive and I almost got lost which was very impressive. When we got back to my place we were sitting in the driveway when my parents decided to come home. So I decided it would be sketchy to just sit there and not say hi, so he got to meet the PU’s a littler earlier than expected but it went well.
Then we went and played on the jungle gym that is beside my house. I still don’t know what I was thinking except that it was getting weird in my car and I wasn’t ready for him to leave yet, even though I had homework due before midnight that I still had not done. We climbed on the bars and he told me my monkey bars were wussy. My butt was getting sore but the conversation was good and the tension was crazy. I was making random nonsensical conversation about building castles out of sand with dog poop in it when he put his hand on the back of my head and drew me in.
His lips were so soft and warm. Nice open mouth. Intimate without being creepy. After he told me that I smelled amazing and that that was the first thing that he remembers about our date. I rambled on aimlessly about the name of my perfume, he just smiled at me like he understood that it was his kiss that made me especially incoherent and inarticulate.
I invited him to come visit me again. I promised to visit him in the future. We walked to his car. I rambled on about how when we first moved here we could hear the people next door having sex. He kissed me again. My knees weakened. His fingers in my hair. My hand on his chest. I didn’t want him to leave. I walked up the driveway smiling. I haven’t stopped.
Friday, June 23, 2006
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
I can’t believe that it is Friday. Wow. This week has flown by. It’s 10:30pm right now. Last Friday at 10:30 pm I was an hour East of Pittsburgh heading towards Baltimore. Heading towards G. Wow. What a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was running all over DC like a crazy person. Running towards a man I’d never met. This weekend I am sitting on my ass watching “America’s got Talent.” UGH. What a waste of time this show is. Although I am amused by Regis’ pink shirt.
The Rundown.
Friday – go to bed at 3am. wake up at 6am. attempt to finish homework. dye hair. jump in shower. at noon get in car and drive for hours and hours. arrive in Baltimore area. get lost in G’s neighbourhood. clear heart from throat as he gets in the car. hope i smell good. avoid eye contact for the first 30 mins because of nerves. meet 15 cats. tour house. meet amazing roomies. be surprised at how cute G is. head for bed around 2am. have trouble sleeping b/c of excitement.
Saturday – wake up around 10. hang out with G petting kitties in jammies. can't stop making eye contact. meet other awesome roomies. shower. eat. awesome discussion at lunch table re: women and math. be grossed out by ion cleanse. vow to eat better. buy baby clothes at target. quiet G’s racing heartbeat (doesn’t do clothes shopping). drive roomies to the airport, walk around beautiful park. get huge blister. go to dinner. almost die laughing at over the hedge. feel electric shocks as fingers graze knees. great conversation. think that everything he says is funny/profound. sparks flying. sleep grudgingly.
Sunday – wake up around 9. do homework :(. shower. head to Virginia. air and space museum. have blister break all over shoe – ew. head to DC. Washington mall and memorial. 98 degrees ouside. Pennsylvania ave. University of Maryland graduate nerd department. great conversation. dinner. check out vacation pics. want to touch him. rent movie. both sit as close as possible without touching. fall asleep on couch. sleep.
Monday – wake up at 5am, do homework, shower, say goodbye to kitties, say goodbye to G. drive. wonder if i'll ever see him again.
Tuesday – homework. dinner with parents. wonder
Wednesday – homework. stew
Thursday – homework. wonder
Friday – homework. couch sitting. stew
So you can see how disappointing the last few days have been. I want to be nearer to him. I know this has potential. I wonder if there is any reality in it. I want to talk to him about it, but we seem to have a nice little post visit bubble going on. Lots of talking, not a lot of talking about that things I really want to know.
Can you see me? For what I am? For what I want to be?
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
I can’t believe that it is Friday. Wow. This week has flown by. It’s 10:30pm right now. Last Friday at 10:30 pm I was an hour East of Pittsburgh heading towards Baltimore. Heading towards G. Wow. What a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was running all over DC like a crazy person. Running towards a man I’d never met. This weekend I am sitting on my ass watching “America’s got Talent.” UGH. What a waste of time this show is. Although I am amused by Regis’ pink shirt.
The Rundown.
Friday – go to bed at 3am. wake up at 6am. attempt to finish homework. dye hair. jump in shower. at noon get in car and drive for hours and hours. arrive in Baltimore area. get lost in G’s neighbourhood. clear heart from throat as he gets in the car. hope i smell good. avoid eye contact for the first 30 mins because of nerves. meet 15 cats. tour house. meet amazing roomies. be surprised at how cute G is. head for bed around 2am. have trouble sleeping b/c of excitement.
Saturday – wake up around 10. hang out with G petting kitties in jammies. can't stop making eye contact. meet other awesome roomies. shower. eat. awesome discussion at lunch table re: women and math. be grossed out by ion cleanse. vow to eat better. buy baby clothes at target. quiet G’s racing heartbeat (doesn’t do clothes shopping). drive roomies to the airport, walk around beautiful park. get huge blister. go to dinner. almost die laughing at over the hedge. feel electric shocks as fingers graze knees. great conversation. think that everything he says is funny/profound. sparks flying. sleep grudgingly.
Sunday – wake up around 9. do homework :(. shower. head to Virginia. air and space museum. have blister break all over shoe – ew. head to DC. Washington mall and memorial. 98 degrees ouside. Pennsylvania ave. University of Maryland graduate nerd department. great conversation. dinner. check out vacation pics. want to touch him. rent movie. both sit as close as possible without touching. fall asleep on couch. sleep.
Monday – wake up at 5am, do homework, shower, say goodbye to kitties, say goodbye to G. drive. wonder if i'll ever see him again.
Tuesday – homework. dinner with parents. wonder
Wednesday – homework. stew
Thursday – homework. wonder
Friday – homework. couch sitting. stew
So you can see how disappointing the last few days have been. I want to be nearer to him. I know this has potential. I wonder if there is any reality in it. I want to talk to him about it, but we seem to have a nice little post visit bubble going on. Lots of talking, not a lot of talking about that things I really want to know.
Can you see me? For what I am? For what I want to be?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Sober - Tool
So I'm a huge bitch. This is where you lose respect for me. This is where I lose respect for myself. I'm a liar. A cheat. A betrayer.
There is another side. I'm falling hard for the new boy while still attached. I'm still attached. I am not even sure what I am attached to. I can't think of anyway to describe the relationship. It's barely a relationship. I'm not happy and I can't imagine that he is either. But there is history and in so many ways he is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But if he knew how I really felt he would die.
Why can't I let go? Why can't I cut my losses and walk away.
I hate that he will be angry with me. I hate that he will be disappointed. I hate that he won't love me anymore, because for so long that has been the only constant in my life. But I'm not being fair. I'm being selfish (so completely). He deserves to have someone love him the way that he loves me.
I'm scared. I'm scared to discover too late that he really is the one. I'm scared to be alone. And so I pretend. I tell him I love him and then I push him away.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Sober - Tool
So I'm a huge bitch. This is where you lose respect for me. This is where I lose respect for myself. I'm a liar. A cheat. A betrayer.
There is another side. I'm falling hard for the new boy while still attached. I'm still attached. I am not even sure what I am attached to. I can't think of anyway to describe the relationship. It's barely a relationship. I'm not happy and I can't imagine that he is either. But there is history and in so many ways he is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But if he knew how I really felt he would die.
Why can't I let go? Why can't I cut my losses and walk away.
I hate that he will be angry with me. I hate that he will be disappointed. I hate that he won't love me anymore, because for so long that has been the only constant in my life. But I'm not being fair. I'm being selfish (so completely). He deserves to have someone love him the way that he loves me.
I'm scared. I'm scared to discover too late that he really is the one. I'm scared to be alone. And so I pretend. I tell him I love him and then I push him away.
Wonder how you sleep, I wonder what you think of me
Downfall - Matchbox Twenty
So I'm terrible at knowing if boys like me. I think part of it is delusion. The idea that I am going to ignore everything that doesn't fit with what I think he feels. Therefore if I don't think that he likes me, he pretty much has to write it on his face for me to figure it out. I guess it also means that if I think that he likes me, I am blindsided, but as I pretty much never assume someone likes me so this has yet to happen.
So, there is a boy. Actually not so much a boy, a man. And my friends, this is a first for me. I usually date boys. Boys who want me to be part lover, part housekeeper, part mother. I don't want to do this anymore. So. I found a man. He is sweet, and funny, and smart and thoughtful. And I have no idea how he feels about me. Part of my confusion I think is the age difference. It's 11 years. It makes me feel special and crazy and sometimes like I am in highschool. Sometimes I wonder when I discover myself acting ridiculous what he sees - cute or neurotic?
I found out today that his roomates/second family like me. A whole bunch. And I wonder if maybe he feels similarly? Seems kinda silly to tell me how they feel without feeling it himself. But then. The male species is a mystery to me.
So I'm here. 13 hrs from him. Wondering if I will ever see him again. Wondering if all the butterflies and tummy twinges are for nothing.
Downfall - Matchbox Twenty
So I'm terrible at knowing if boys like me. I think part of it is delusion. The idea that I am going to ignore everything that doesn't fit with what I think he feels. Therefore if I don't think that he likes me, he pretty much has to write it on his face for me to figure it out. I guess it also means that if I think that he likes me, I am blindsided, but as I pretty much never assume someone likes me so this has yet to happen.
So, there is a boy. Actually not so much a boy, a man. And my friends, this is a first for me. I usually date boys. Boys who want me to be part lover, part housekeeper, part mother. I don't want to do this anymore. So. I found a man. He is sweet, and funny, and smart and thoughtful. And I have no idea how he feels about me. Part of my confusion I think is the age difference. It's 11 years. It makes me feel special and crazy and sometimes like I am in highschool. Sometimes I wonder when I discover myself acting ridiculous what he sees - cute or neurotic?
I found out today that his roomates/second family like me. A whole bunch. And I wonder if maybe he feels similarly? Seems kinda silly to tell me how they feel without feeling it himself. But then. The male species is a mystery to me.
So I'm here. 13 hrs from him. Wondering if I will ever see him again. Wondering if all the butterflies and tummy twinges are for nothing.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Cause if I can't see you, then you can't see me.
Paper Bag - Anna Nalick
Starting these things is always hard. Where to start, Where to start. There is a weird assumption that because this is on the internet that it might/will be read. Not that I find myself to be interesting enough to be read-worthy - however, anything is possible I suppose. Therefore I should share something. Share something that allows you to know me, and I think that this is where my problems may lie. In the incredible fear of allowing someone to know me. If I can convince myself that no one really knows me, then their rejection and their dislike doesn't mean anything. Really letting someone in is the hard part.
I like to think that we are all like this is some way. That some people are optimisitic and their hearts are more rubbery so they can take more chances. I'm not. I'm somewhat jaded and I'm fairly convinced that my heart is very glass-like. Just how strong the glass is, I'm not quite sure. I've been been broken once and cracked a number of times since. I'm wondering if the glass gets stronger or weaker with every break? I'm hoping the former. But I'm also thinking that it's likely not that easy.
Paper Bag - Anna Nalick
Starting these things is always hard. Where to start, Where to start. There is a weird assumption that because this is on the internet that it might/will be read. Not that I find myself to be interesting enough to be read-worthy - however, anything is possible I suppose. Therefore I should share something. Share something that allows you to know me, and I think that this is where my problems may lie. In the incredible fear of allowing someone to know me. If I can convince myself that no one really knows me, then their rejection and their dislike doesn't mean anything. Really letting someone in is the hard part.
I like to think that we are all like this is some way. That some people are optimisitic and their hearts are more rubbery so they can take more chances. I'm not. I'm somewhat jaded and I'm fairly convinced that my heart is very glass-like. Just how strong the glass is, I'm not quite sure. I've been been broken once and cracked a number of times since. I'm wondering if the glass gets stronger or weaker with every break? I'm hoping the former. But I'm also thinking that it's likely not that easy.
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