Nothing to run from,
Is worse than something,
And all your fears,
Of nothing.
Concrete Girl - Switchfoot

Not a lot has been going on. It's kind of weird actually. When Joel and I were still together my social life was quite full. Multiple dates per week, and now - nada. Well. That's not exactly true. I've been talking to a guy for a few months. His name is Roger. He's 20. I kinda ignored him at first, cause seriously. He's 20. But he is more interesting, funny, quirky, cute than most of the guys I've met this summer put together. He's also a little persistant. Which I like. Not desperate - which is scary and gross - but honest. We met once for coffee, I didn't really think anything of it. But he surprised me. Shook me out of my little jadedness a little.

So, we've been talking everyday. He wants to meet again. I think I'll be back in his area next weekend. I'm nervous. Ah! I can think of a billion reasons why this isn't really going to work. I live a distance. He's so young. But I can't stop thinking about him.

Why can't I find a boy my age in my city?

You swore you'd never be the same.
Miss Me - Joe Purdy

8/24/2006 3:20:58 PM Andrew: hey
8/24/2006 3:21:08 PM me: how's it going/
8/24/2006 3:21:43 PM Andrew: not bad you?
8/24/2006 3:21:54 PM me : pretty good.
8/24/2006 3:22:02 PM Andrew: thats good
8/24/2006 3:22:18 PM me: i'm still in bed. it's awesome.
8/24/2006 3:22:23 PM Andrew: hehe nice
8/24/2006 3:22:32 PM me: not totally true. i got out for a shower.. and am back..
8/24/2006 3:22:40 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 3:23:06 PM me: so are we hanging out tomorrow then? or are you busy?
8/24/2006 3:23:49 PM Andrew: not sure, when are you gonna be in town?
8/24/2006 3:23:59 PM me: not sure.
8/24/2006 3:24:05 PM me: i'm flexible.
8/24/2006 3:24:14 PM Andrew: :)
8/24/2006 3:24:22 PM Andrew: hmmm really? :P
8/24/2006 3:24:26 PM me: hahaha.
8/24/2006 3:24:42 PM Andrew :P
8/24/2006 3:24:46 PM me: yes. but you're not putting anything in my ass.
8/24/2006 3:24:48 PM me: :D
8/24/2006 3:24:52 PM Andrew: hehehe
8/24/2006 3:26:48 PM Andrew: so anywhere but the ass?
8/24/2006 3:26:51 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 3:27:46 PM Andrew : i guess i'm ok with that :P
8/24/2006 3:27:52 PM me: LOL
8/24/2006 3:28:17 PM me: how's work?
8/24/2006 3:29:32 PM Andrew: not bad
8/24/2006 3:30:29 PM Andrew: hows bed?
8/24/2006 3:30:34 PM me: awesome.
8/24/2006 3:31:37 PM me: i've been in GR the last few days. So it's nice to relax.
8/24/2006 3:32:37 PM Andrew: cool
8/24/2006 3:35:07 PM Andrew: bed does sounds good
8/24/2006 3:35:52 PM me: course i would pretty much always take bed over...a computer lab... or well... pretty much anything.
8/24/2006 3:37:19 PM Andrew: hehe are we talking about things not in your ass :P
8/24/2006 3:38:32 PM Andrew: hehe so are you saying you'd like to.... uh how do i say it softly.... plow me?
8/24/2006 3:38:34 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 3:38:45 PM me: excuse me?
8/24/2006 3:38:49 PM me: jesus andrew.
8/24/2006 3:38:50 PM Andrew: hehehe
8/24/2006 3:38:53 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 3:38:54 PM me: you’re a funny kid.
8/24/2006 3:39:08 PM Andrew: work has rotted my brain
8/24/2006 3:39:35 PM me: i'm glad its work and not syphilis.
8/24/2006 3:39:59 PM Andrew: hehe naw it's work, work sucks
8/24/2006 3:41:34 PM me: you get off at 5 though right?
8/24/2006 3:41:59 PM me: :) bright side.
8/24/2006 3:42:03 PM Andrew: :)
8/24/2006 3:44:38 PM Andrew: so whats up with you?
8/24/2006 3:44:38 PM Andrew: :)
8/24/2006 3:45:10 PM me: in general? i'm in bed. it's awesome.
8/24/2006 3:45:23 PM me: i'm going to be in canada for the weekend. and school starts on monday. .
8/24/2006 3:45:26 PM Andrew: hehe what are you doing in bed, just chatting?
8/24/2006 3:45:37 PM me: oh. i'm blogging. :)
8/24/2006 3:45:41 PM me: i'm a huge nerd.
8/24/2006 3:45:46 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 3:46:19 PM me: it's getting chilly with the breeze off the water though.
8/24/2006 3:46:23 PM me: i need another blanket.
8/24/2006 3:46:58 PM Andrew: hehe good stuff
8/24/2006 3:47:45 PM me: you're the most giggly boy that i know.
8/24/2006 3:50:30 PM me: so what's new with you?
8/24/2006 3:50:43 PM me: hot dates? potato guns?
8/24/2006 3:50:49 PM me: massive destruction?
8/24/2006 3:51:19 PM Andrew: hehe none of the above unfortunately
8/24/2006 3:52:57 PM me: that's too bad.
8/24/2006 3:53:01 PM Andrew: ya i know
8/24/2006 3:53:06 PM me: how's your friend?
8/24/2006 3:53:08 PM Andrew: how about you?
8/24/2006 3:53:10 PM Andrew: good
8/24/2006 3:53:36 PM me: I don't have a potato gun.
8/24/2006 3:53:46 PM Andrew: i can make one for you
8/24/2006 3:53:51 PM me: :D thanks!
8/24/2006 3:53:55 PM Andrew: he's planning on moving out soon
8/24/2006 3:54:01 PM me: oh. that's cool.
8/24/2006 3:54:16 PM Andrew ya
8/24/2006 3:54:18 PM me: looking forward to having the place to yourself?
8/24/2006 3:54:23 PM me: or looking for another roomie?
8/24/2006 3:54:32 PM Andrew: ya but the bill's are gonna be huge again
8/24/2006 3:54:42 PM Andrew: might need another roomie
8/24/2006 3:54:55 PM me: you could get a hot one :)
8/24/2006 3:55:18 PM Andrew: hehe i can't even find a hot date let alone home rommie
8/24/2006 3:55:20 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 3:55:22 PM me: hahaha.
8/24/2006 3:55:30 PM me: true.
8/24/2006 3:55:55 PM me: i guess it depends on the definition of "hot"
8/24/2006 3:56:14 PM me: I have no trouble finding guys who I think are cute. But I'm tired of them being dumb as bricks.
8/24/2006 4:01:05 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 4:01:50 PM Andrew: so what category to i fall into, not as dumb but fugly?
8/24/2006 4:01:51 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 4:02:20 PM Andrew: your not alone i have the same problem
8/24/2006 4:02:39 PM me: haha.
8/24/2006 4:02:48 PM me: your in a category all you're own.
8/24/2006 4:02:54 PM Andrew: hehe nice
8/24/2006 4:03:04 PM Andrew: what cat. is that?
8/24/2006 4:03:25 PM me: the "awesome except for the lack of interest in me" category.
8/24/2006 4:03:48 PM me: but also the "builds potato guns" category.
8/24/2006 4:03:56 PM me: cross referenced.
8/24/2006 4:05:11 PM Andrew: hehe is the builds potato guns cat. a bad one?
8/24/2006 4:05:26 PM me: haha. no. why would you think that?
8/24/2006 4:06:01 PM Andrew: some would see it as a phyco tactic :P
8/24/2006 4:07:10 PM me: haha. i thought we cleared up all the psycho business?
8/24/2006 4:07:35 PM me: perhaps a tad immature. but aren't we all?
8/24/2006 4:07:35 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 4:07:47 PM Andrew ya it's some harmless fun
8/24/2006 4:08:33 PM me: brb
8/24/2006 4:08:45 PM Andrew: ok
8/24/2006 4:08:51 PM Andrew: getting a blanket?
8/24/2006 4:09:49 PM me: nope phone. :)
8/24/2006 4:13:28 PM Andrew: http://www.sootoday.com/content/news/full_story.asp?StoryNumber=19276
8/24/2006 4:13:34 PM Andrew: ya i hear ya
8/24/2006 4:13:42 PM Andrew: the link is about the bridge strike
8/24/2006 4:13:56 PM me: um. bridge strike?
8/24/2006 4:14:25 PM Andrew: ya canadian customs walked off today, so traffic is crazy
8/24/2006 4:14:43 PM me: awesome. you're looking forward to going home then?
8/24/2006 4:14:43 PM Andrew: it'll take a hr to get home tonight
8/24/2006 4:14:45 PM Andrew: my guess
8/24/2006 4:14:51 PM me: :(
8/24/2006 4:14:52 PM Andrew: ohya
8/24/2006 4:15:05 PM Andrew: good thing i have tunes :P
8/24/2006 4:15:16 PM me: for sure.
8/24/2006 4:15:24 PM me: you should just come visit me instead.
8/24/2006 4:15:25 PM me: haha
8/24/2006 4:18:09 PM Andrew: ah but is there room in your bed for me?
8/24/2006 4:18:16 PM Andrew: so 45min?
8/24/2006 4:18:25 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 4:18:39 PM me: hehehe.
8/24/2006 4:18:45 PM me: oh. there is always room for you. :)
8/24/2006 4:19:06 PM me: what's with all the striking.
8/24/2006 4:19:11 PM me: what are they striking about?
8/24/2006 4:19:14 PM Andrew: not sure
8/24/2006 4:20:07 PM Andrew: hmm so are you saying you'd be up for fun even if i'm not looking for anything right now?
8/24/2006 4:20:53 PM me: i was joking about you coming here.
8/24/2006 4:21:23 PM Andrew: hehe
8/24/2006 4:21:25 PM Andrew: aawww
8/24/2006 4:21:27 PM Andrew: :P
8/24/2006 4:21:31 PM Andrew: i want a nap
8/24/2006 4:21:44 PM me: you get one on your way home. :)
8/24/2006 4:22:31 PM Andrew: hehe i guess i do :P
8/24/2006 4:22:42 PM meg: the "fun" is kinda tempting though. :)
8/24/2006 4:22:53 PM Andrew: really? :)
8/24/2006 4:22:58 PM Andrew: i think so too
8/24/2006 4:23:42 PM me: feels kinda complicated though.
8/24/2006 4:23:59 PM Andrew: how so?
8/24/2006 4:24:09 PM me: i think it might make it hard to be friends.
8/24/2006 4:25:16 PM me: usually. in situations where all i do is mess around.. I don't really like the guy that much. (ie he's too stupid) but you're not. you're sweet and smart and all that...
8/24/2006 4:25:34 PM me: so if we are kinda friends. and we mess around. and you really don't want anything. i think it's going to be messy.
8/24/2006 4:26:00 PM Andrew: ah ok i see what your saying
8/24/2006 4:26:39 PM Andrew: well would you want me to say stupid thing? like scream "he shoots he scores" at the end? :P
8/24/2006 4:26:50 PM me: hhahaaaa
8/24/2006 4:26:56 PM me: oh god you're a nerd. :)
8/24/2006 4:28:21 PM me: from a more friendship perspective. I didn't know that you weren't really looking for anything. In general? Or.. just with me?
8/24/2006 4:29:09 PM Andrew: i actually don't know what i want right now, i just feel lonely, like something is missing
8/24/2006 4:29:18 PM me: that's tough.
8/24/2006 4:29:44 PM me: I understand it though. I think.
8/24/2006 4:29:46 PM Andrew: ya but what can you do
8/24/2006 4:30:17 PM me: I've had more sex in the last few months.. than ever before.. but still... there is a bit of an empty feeling.
8/24/2006 4:31:41 PM Andrew: ya, i've felt like that for a few yrs now, i think thats why i broke up with my g/f
8/24/2006 4:32:07 PM me: wow. how long ago was that?
8/24/2006 4:32:14 PM Andrew: few months ago
8/24/2006 4:32:26 PM me: crazy. :(
8/24/2006 4:32:41 PM Andrew: ya i just feel lonely
8/24/2006 4:32:47 PM Andrew: know what i mean
8/24/2006 4:32:52 PM me: def.
8/24/2006 4:34:10 PM me: it's weird too. cause you can fill you life with stuff. That's what i keep doing. Taking on too much. Leaving no time for anything. No time to be lonely. But it still sneaks in.

So. He knows I dig him. We've had this convo before. He's moving. His friend likes me. Every reason why even though he really likes me he "can't" start anything. So. Up to this point, I'm thinking he's just really nice and he's not attracted to me. But. Obviously thats not the case.

Lately we've had awesome conversations. He wants to hang out. He wants to be friends. This doesn't feel like friends. This feels like I'm not good enough to date, but I'd be a good fuck buddy. And he knows I have feelings for him. So he knows that it's going to be messy. So my friendship isn't worth saving either.

At first I entertained the delusion that maybe he was really into me. Maybe he thinks about me. Maybe he wants to give it a try but he's scared. I'm thinking I'm giving him too much credit. I think he is just trying to get in my pants.

I think I'm most disappointed not because he doesn't want to date me, but because I thought he was a good person. I though he had potential. But my Mr. Right doesn't act like this.

Fallin' faster -- barely breathing
Give me somethin to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey

So. A lot has happened. It's sort of all in a mess in my mind. I should have written sooner. But I didn't know what to say/ I didn't know what I wanted to say. I still don't really know how to feel.

Joel came. We hung out for a few days. It was weird. It was weird because of how I was feeling. It was weird because he knew he would be leaving and we would no longer be together. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I told him I needed to see if I could live without him. Cause I have the sneaking suspicion that I can.

The following week. Felt weird. Lonely maybe. Strange because I had dates and hung out with people. But they don't know me the way that Joel does. They don't love me.

The next weekend. I went to a wedding with Joel. Not the smartest. I know. But I hate hate hate when people flake in plans on me. So I went. It was lovely. Beautiful. Classy. I drank too much. And. Yeah. The inevitable happened. There was fucking. It was awesome. It felt so amazing. It definitely wasn't the best sex evver, but there is something to be said about being so close to someone I loved for so long. I left the next morning. It was hard. He knows this doesn't fix anything. But it clouds my mind.

I spent the last 2 days with Dom. It was nice. He took me for dinner the first night. We watched Return to Oz, horrifying. We had arguably close to the best sex I've ever had. He's very skilled. He knows exactly what he is doing. The only damper on the whole subject is that he's a bit too endowed for everything to be comfortable. I came on top though, and that has never ever happened. He's also scaled back the suction too, my knees get weak thinking about his tongue talent. He brought me roses home from work. Ahhh... he's so cute... I still have second thoughts.

I'm talking to Andrew right now. He wants to hang out tomorrow. Our conversation is full of innuendo and flirting. I hate how much power he has over me. It's him that I am crushing on. And it's him that I can't have. What's the matter with me. It's almost like unavailability means that I am guaranteed to fall.

There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone
Vienna - The Fray

Joel and I had the chat. I'm proud of myself. It was brutal.

I really just wanted him to know what I was thinking before he drove all the way here. I didn't think it was fair for him to spend the money and the time to come visit a person who no longer feels the same way.

So I told him.

I told him that I wasn't happy and that I hadn't been for a long time. I pointed out some problems in our relationship. I told him I felt like we were already in the friend zone. I made sure he had the whole picture.

He said he still wanted to come. Said he wasn't willing to finish this over the phone. Told me he could change my mind (surprise.)

I told him he was welcome to come - but I wasn't sure of the context yet. For me it is already over. I just think he needs to see what we are like together to see for sure.

It bothers me though that since this conversation whenever we talk he still calls me baby. He still tells me that he loves me.

I felt relieved after I got off the phone with him. I felt like I had done the right thing. But I'm still not ready to totally move on which is bad. I don't want to think about him with another girl. and today when I was in walmart I smelled his scent on another boy and I missed him so much it hurt.

It's a step in the right direction. It's a move I've needed to make for a while.
It's done.

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
There's Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There's Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can’t say what's going on
Cannonball - Damien Rice

I spent last weekend with Dom. It was nice. I cooked. We played mini golf. We chatted. Cuddled. Fucked.

So about that last one. Things got hot and heavy. It was about time. (Date 3.) I'd seen him without a shirt before - nice chest. Hard, nice definition. Nice amount of chest hair - enough to be manly - not enough to make one worry about the hair displacement theory, nothing bursting anywhere. I wasn't prepared for what happened when he took off his shorts. Sweet jesus it was huge. Seriously. The boy is endowed. It was at least as big as my forearm. It was exciting/terrifying. Head was a challenge - but i'm enthusastic. He's a pretty good giver too - a little to much suction but I think we can work on that. But - he couldn't get it all in. He has skills - but all my skills are about maximizing the asset. I didn't know what to do with one that is too big. Long story (haha) short - I bruised my cervix - which made morning sex not fun at all.

So I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I like him enough to put so much effort into this. I'm not sure I want to hurt this much. So. I have an appointment with my Dr. to rule out any problems on my end - like endomitrosis etc. But seriously - who would have thought this would be a problem.

I like a nice wide one. To stretch. But too long - not fun at all.

The hardest thing is that he is starting to get kinda serious. It was so nice before. We were both chill about everything. Taking it easy. No rushing. Now he is getting kinda giddy and romantic and I don't know what to do. I like boys who don't like me back.

Makes me wonder about those pornstars though....