Then I caught the waves wrinkle the moon
And they kissed my body just beyond the shore
I talked you into a stone and skipped you across the water
But it was me who was really sinking
Companion – Wide Mouth Mason

I was at Eric’s last night. It was lovely. Things are getting a little more comfortable in my head. I know he likes me. I know he wants me. Things are good with us.

However, I’ve been dropped a bit of a bomb by Mandar. I haven’t talked about Mandar in a while, because nothing exiting was happening. We’ve been exchanging some emails, nothing mind blowing, just nice friendly etc. He’s a good writer and I enjoy the exchange. He’s in India right now visiting his folks. I received an email yesterday nice normal except for 1 paragraph:



I had tough time dodging the request from my parents to attend the social functions/dinners with the parents of girls who had approached my parents. I seriously thought that if I would meet any girls even in social setting would be an act of breaching your trust and hence I stayed away from such social functions. My parents respect my decision will warmly welcome the girl I chose that is absolutely not an issue. Don't worry !!




Ummm..

So. I didn’t know what to think. He is really traditional, I know and respect this – however, until this point, I had no idea that he thought of me this way. I knew he was interested, cause usually when a boy writes to you all the time, that is what this means, however – wow. He’s not even meeting girls cause he thinks it would be a breech of my trust? I’m dating Eric. Mandar would not be a happy camper about that. So. I chatted with Lee about it. He helped me straighten out what I should do – I just have yet to do it. I need to tell Mandar that we are not dating, and that he shouldn’t worry about breeching my trust. But. Wow. How do I get myself into these things.

The worst thing, is that I really enjoy Mandar, he just lives so far for anything real to happen. I don’t want to hurt him, so I’m going to say something. I just. I dunno.. ugh.

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

This week was interesting. I spent Tuesday in TC getting papers signed and shopping and Thursday in Canada mailing said paperwork, shopping and being frustrated with the border. I sat on the bridge for forever. I don’t understand what their problem is. What the stink people.

I spent Tuesday night on Eric’s couch. We watched High Fidelity. We laughed. It was nice. I was supposed to go over on Friday, but about 15 minutes before I went I got this crazy severe chill. Like I could not stop shaking, and my teeth were chattering. I thought I would still go over and he could warm me up. Then the headache hit. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and get ready. I thought I was going to pass out, and since I’ve had some trouble with the recently I decided that my bed was my destination for the evening. I messaged Eric and crawled into bed. I didn’t stop shivering for hours. I had 6 blankets on my bed, a tanktop, a teeshirt, a thermal top, a sweatshirt, fuzzy sweatpants, and 2 pairs of warm socks on, and I was still so cold I thought I was going to die. Not to mention that it felt like the top of my head was going to pop off. I was fully prepared to wake up with a sore throat, or a cough, or sniffling – but nothing. I was totally fine. So I went shopping with my mum. I had a headache, but I took some advil and was fine. Plus, I bought some great ass jeans and my mum bought me some sweaters.

Last night was lovely. I arrived at Eric’s about 9. We watched just married. It was cute. We made out from 11- 3:30. It was amazing. My face is a little sore today. I wouldn’t change a thing. His kisses are perfect. Perfect variety. Perfect pressure. Perfect everything. He even put his hands on my ass. Even that was perfect. I love how he holds on to my hips when he kisses me. How did he know that I loved that. I had to teach Joel to do that. Still no over the sweater action, but I think we are getting more comfortable on a physical level which is a nice feeling. I don’t feel nervous about touching him anymore, wondering if it’s ok, wondering if it’s what he wants. I still feel a bit like I’m in high school, you know, making out for hours on a couch watching MTV.

All I need is like the vertical horizon or tonic playing in the background.

Why Do I - Joe Purdy

Late at night midnight movie
got no one to talk to, no one to see
and I am counting stars as I lay awake dear
I know you aint far, but I know you aint here for me

So why, why do I get so lonely when there really aint nothing wrong
cause I can sleep just fine when you hold me
cant sleep at all when you're gone
yeah and why why do I stay out drinkin' when I should just get back home
I got some company with strangers
it's better than drinkin alone

too tired to sing walking down the street
and still cant sleep, just too many things I got running around my head cant put my thoughts to rest
think ill wait outside, when you wake I will confess

So why, why do I get so lonely when there really aint nothing wrong
cause I can sleep just fine when you hold me
cant sleep at all when you're gone
yeah and why why do I stay out drinkin' when I should just get back home
I got some company with strangers
it's better than drinkin alone

So why do I get so lonely when there really aint nothing wrong
cause I can sleep just fine when you hold me
cant sleep at all when you're gone
yeah and why why do I stay out drinkin' when I should just get back home
I got some company with strangers
it's better than drinkin alone

So why do I get so lonely when there really aint nothing wrong
So why do I get so lonely when there really aint nothing wrong
So why do I get so lonely yeah there really aint nothing wrong

And why you always making me cry?
Why you always making me cry?
You look me in the eye
And tell me all your lies
So why you always making me cry?
Why You - Joe Purdy

Today was ridiculous. Last night I went out with some friends*, had a few drinks, so this morning when I woke up feeling shitty, I thought that it was a hangover. I thought that was a safe assumption.

I went to Eric’s for about an hour and a half, watched my show that he records for me since I’m always in class when it is on (the office) and some football. I was starting to feel a little queasy when I left, decided to stop at walmart to get some drugs, the lines were so long that I decided to look at the books for a minute, rest, and hide a bit since I was starting to cold sweat and I was pretty sure I looked like a junkie.

When I woke up, there was a kindly older man looking down at me, rubbing my hand and asking me if I was ok. Yep. That’s right. I passed out in Walmart. Classy. The guy helped me to a bench and then out to my car when I was strong enough. I drove home, all 4 mins of it, and climbed into bed. I woke up 2 hrs later running for the toilet as vomit lurched it’s way up my throat. I would spend the next few hours running to the bathroom and passing out and having my mum find me in interesting positions, unconscious on the floor between my bed and the bathroom.

I’m a moron. I know I have an ulcer. Why the fuck did I eat really spicy chili three days in a row? But jesus Christ – the pain. I’m okish now, my stomach is empty, I’m beginning to be able to keep down water and my head is pounding a little less, although a have a rather large goose egg from meeting the floor.

I am dumb. But. The boys in my life are being rather sweet to me, and Bella seems to know I am sick which is so cool, and cute. And I think if I can just sleep everything will be ok.




*when I say that I went out with friends, I really mean that I went out with a boy that wants in my pants and some of his friends. Cause Eric and I had tentative plans, and it’s my fault that I told him to go out with his buddies and call me later if he wanted me to come over, so it’s my own fucking fault that I had nothing to do on a Saturday night. But I’m shallow and insecure, so I decided to go hang out with some guy who makes me feel wanted and sexy. It’s counterproductive and not healthy I know. But… bleh. I didn’t make any ‘bad decisions’ so..

Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Bruised - Jack's Mannequin

My parents went to Canada for the evening.
I made chili and brownies.
He came over.
He was grumpy although he would not admit it.
We chatted and cuddled on the couch. He got less grumpy. I started yawning. I couldn’t sleep the night before I was so excited.

We ate. He liked my chili. He got the tour of the house. We watched the Break up. I love how he reaches for me when we sit down. I love how I catch him smiling at me. There was tickling. I found bruises on my knees in the shower today. There was kissing. Lots of kissing. There was no over the sweater action, but there was a lot more heat. I love how he bites my bottom lip.

He stayed til 1:15. He was falling asleep on my couch.

I went to bed with my vibrator.

I thought a lot last night about why I feel so agitated lately. And. I think it’s because I’m sexually frustrated. Before Eric, whenever I was bored, I found a guy. Now, all guys are boring except him. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. I want to fuck him.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol


Date six. I show up at his house after having dinner with a prof who was trying to entice me to apply to be his research assistant with booze and his gorgeous eyes. Well, probably not so much the eyes, but def. the booze. The eyes might have worked a little better. I can’t relocate for a research assistantship –silly. But it’s awesome to hang out with Professors who think you’re brilliant and it cleared up some prior suspicions.

It’s even more awesome to show up at a boys house drunk, plop yourself on his couch and find his arms around you and his lips meeting yours.

Very nice. I love his kisses. They are almost perfect. The only thing that would make them better is the removal of the goatee. I don’t even know how to describe their perfection. Soft but not sloppy. Warm. Tender. Perfect tongue, exploring mine.

Oh. He hates glitter, which is disappointing since I just bought flavoured glittery body powder. Mmm bubblegum.

He told me my hair smelled really good.

When I told him I had a really good time at dinner cause it was nice to hang out with people who think you're wonderful, he said what about people who think you're great? I asked if great was better than wonderful? And he said, cause I think you're great, cause I don't want to be like everyone else.

sigh. In another situtation. I would have said that great is not as good as wonderful. But I don't care. He thinks I'm great. And shortly after saying that he put his tongue back in my mouth, which felt almost as good as the words.


The more I get to know him, the more scared I get. Can something have too much potential? Can someone be too perfect? This blog makes me sound like I’m worried all the time. It’s not true. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I feel full. Everything feels alright. And not just cause of Eric.. but you know.. the happiness in that one area of my life.. is helping the others... i have a friend that I like in P__ now. I'm not nearly as bored, and I don't spend every weekend with my parents - or fucking randoms.

Chris from PEI called tonight. It was a little weird. He seems sad that it’s pretty much over, he does a lot of verbal pouting. I don’t really understand, cause in my opinion he’s the one that fucked it up. If he had called me when he said he was going to. If he had showed up when he said he was going to. I would have been willing to at least try. But. Shit dude. I’m not a doormat.

Oh. And I’ve been getting daily emails from Mandar who is in India right now visiting his family. I told him to bring me back an elephant.

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
Konstantine - Something Corporate

He kissed me.

Date number five. The third of our sitting on his couch doing nothing dates. Me becoming increasingly agitated. Don’t get me wrong. I love our sitting on the couch doing nothing dates, cuddling, chatting, watching random tv… sometimes it involves a board game. He killed me at monopoly, I won trivial pursuit. But, this kind of date is where the action happens.. if it is going to happen. That’s why “watching a movie” is a euphemism. So, when nothing happened, on the first or second time, I’m beginning to stress. You see he’s not very verbal with the compliments. He’s told me I’m cute once. So. I’m beginning to worry, that the lack of verbage mixed with the no action means that he’s not interested.

So. I went there. We sat on the couch. There was cuddling. He reached for my hand. There was a lot of cuddling. About 15 minutes before I was going to leave. My head on his shoulder. Lots of looking into his eyes. Lots of lip biting. Lots of lip gazing. No contact. So. I said… “You’re seriously not going to kiss me?” and he said “It’s really bothering you isn’t it?” and I’m thinking.. holy fuck.. it’s our fifth date.. it would be bothering a monk… and I say… “Yes”… and I turn back to the TV.. he takes my hand and turns my head and kisses me. Left side, upper lip. It was nice. The kiss itself was very nice. Although.. then I began to over think. Why did he kiss me then? Why not earlier? Why wait til I’m losing my mind? Is he just being nice?

I know I’m neurotic. I know. Why is the physical so important to me? Because I think on some level, that my attractiveness is tied to whether he makes a move. Because he hasn’t said or done anything.. I wonder what’s going on in his head. I assume that he just wants to be friends. The cuddling is awesome.. and really the kissing is nice, but I can wait. I just need to know if he’s attracted.. and this is the only way I know how.. yes.. there might be something wrong with me.

So… I’m getting ready to leave. He says something… I can’t remember.. but something to fuck with my head.. So I say.. “I’m not that into you fucking with my head”.. and so it came around to the kiss, and what’s the deal.. didn’t it bother him too? He said he’d never tell…. So he kissed me again. His hand on my upper back pulling me in. I started to leave and he asked if I was going to complain about that one too.. so I kissed him. And I left.

I could barely sleep last night. Thinking about him. Thinking about how he tasted. Thinking about how his face felt up against mine. Kinda picky cause of his lack of shaving. I spent all night wondering if this was real. Wondering if this falling that I’m feeling is for real. Wondering if my landing will be soft... Being scared of my own feelings and thoughts. When was the last time I had this many dates with a guy? When was the last time I wasn’t already bored? How scary is it that this has potential? How hurt am I going to get?

So when she lays down it'll be with me,
Lord, she'll lay down with me.
And when she walks out it'll be on me,
Lord, she'll walk out on me.
When she kneeling it'll be for me,
Lord, she's kneeling for me.
Ladylike - Big Wreck

So, since my last post we've had two conversations hovering around and then directly related to my last rant. Shortly after my last post I wrote him a little note, thanking him for the evening and appologizing for dashing out. He wrote back that he totally understood and that he hoped I would rush because he didn't want me to get too wet, but that he would have liked a kiss or something.

So, last night we are chatting. I make reference to not feeling bad for him, that he didn't get a kiss cause I was rushing, cause he had all night to put the moves on me. He said that I should know by now that he doesn't make the first move. I asked how I should know this? He said I should be able to read his mind. haha.

So I said:

10/11/2006 11:29:27 PM meg: so. if i'm sitting there thinking you should kiss me. i should just kiss you?
10/11/2006 11:29:53 PM Eric: exactly

Interesting, I'm not sure that I've ever been in this place before. I've dated guys that were obviously nervous, but usually some obvious flirting clears this up. But, when we were sitting in his living room, I was sending all the signs, the slightly prolonged eye contact, glances at his lips (they are nice) licking my own lips, the biting of the lower lip... and I got nothing. This makes so much more sense now.

But of course, because this is my weirdo life, I'm now in an interesting position. Instead if waiting and wondering when the moment will be - its my job to choose it. In my opinion the perfect moment has passed, and it feels weird to orchestrate another one. So, I think I'm going to wait and see.

Oh man the new relationship rollercoaster - it's crazy.

Maybe when the room is empty,
Maybe when the bottle's full.
Maybe when the door gets broke down,
Love can break in.

Maybe when I'm done with thinking,
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when I'm done with endings
This can begin, this can begin
This can begin.

If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your garage band king.
You can tell me why you just dont fit in
And how you're gonna be something
Punk Rock Princess - Something Corporate

he didn't kiss me.
i arrived five minutes late, bearing pizza and icecream, no beer cause he said he already had some. we watched sahara and hitch and he kicked my ass at monopoly. we spent five hours on his couch. it was sweet, we hung out, ate, played. Sat close. It was easy. Comfortable.

we spent the whole night touching-but not. our arms touched. our legs touched. we brushed against eachother exchanging money or moving game pieces. it felt like my skin was on fire the whole night.

i guess i expected something. i thought cause we talked about this. and he knew how i felt. that i was curious about the lack of touching. that i wouldn't reject him. and because he said he wanted to. i thought that there would be something. maybe even something really little. like a mini backrub, or his arm around me during the movie, or maybe taking my hand. but there was nothing.

the end was weird. the end is why i'm on the internet at 1am writing this stupid blog instead of trying to sleep or study for tomorrow. around the time he normally goes to bed, i decided to leave. i got up and put my shoes one. we kept chatting, he made fun of my little feet. it was a little awkward, we were both standing there. so. i went to leave. he offered to walk me to my car. i opened the door, discovered it was raining and told him not to worry about it. we yelled our good byes as I ran down the driveway. I know that it is partially my fault. I did little to encourage anything. But I flirted all night, and I was very conscious of body language, and I gave him no reason to think that I wasn't into him.

But now. I can't help but wonder what is going on inside his head. Getting a guy to kiss me, usually isn't this hard. And I know it is complicated by how much I like him, and I know that he was scared before.

As soon as I was in my car I was wishing that I had the balls to run back in and kiss him. I don't want to push, because pushy is scary. But what do I do? How many more virgin dates can I go on?

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Beauty in the Breakdown - Frou Frou

The last couple of days have been really surreal.

First. There seems to be an ex-boyfriend revival. Joel called on Sunday. We had a nice conversation, but it’s a little scary. I don’t know if he is calling me cause he has no one else? Or cause he thinks that something with us can be fixed. I wish he would meet someone. I wish he would become to busy to obsess about us and what could have been. I know. I’ve been there. Thoughts like that will kill you. Wonder what went wrong, wonder what you can do, what you can change – instead of accepting it and moving on. My heart still hurts for him.

Jonathan called Monday morning. He’s in Ohio now, and he’s moved in with his current girl. That boy does move fast so I’m not surprised. I am surprised that he’s still calling me. Apparently she found a present that he had bought for me in his car. A necklace that says my name on it. Yikes. That’s a lot of explaining. Why was it still in his car though? I haven’t talked to him since like.. May? It sounds like he’s happy enough, which I’m glad for. And, it’s nice that he still cares about me, even though I don’t want to be with him.

Greg called last night. We had a really great conversation. It was good. I miss talking to him. He is well. Still no woman, which makes me a little suspicious of his reasons for calling, but I think he was just lonely. Still as I was laying on the kitchen floor, this new place has 2 phone jacks in the whole place – how retarded is that? One in the kitchen and one in the pu’s room. Jesus. So. I was laying on the floor at midnight thinking about how I hadn’t heard from anyone in forever, and now, it was 3 in 2 days. Weird.

Eric.
I love how he always wants to talk to me. I love how he doesn’t play games or wait for me to message him. I love how he calls me on my shit. I love that he gets my sense of humor.

So. He found out that I have a blog. He wants to read it. I said no. He begged. He threatened to pout. I don’t think the concern is that I’m talking about him, the concern is that I’m talking about him and I won’t let him read it. Which is cute, cause, he wants to know what I’m thinking about, and what I’m thinking about, about him. So. I told him that it’s not that I’m writing anything bad about him, but that blogging makes me very vulnerable, and it’s not like I’m hiding or censoring anything either. So, there was continued harassment. So. I though… hmmm.. this might be my chance. So. To illustrate:

10/8/2006 8:56:33 PM Eric: are you embarrassed by what you are writing?
10/8/2006 8:56:35 PM meg: you wouldn't feel weird knowing everything i was thinking?
10/8/2006 8:56:49 PM meg: i'm not embarrassed for anyone but you to read it.
10/8/2006 8:56:54 PM Eric: lol
10/8/2006 8:57:36 PM Eric: why would i feel weird about knowing what you are thinking
10/8/2006 8:58:14 PM meg: i think it would be weird.
10/8/2006 8:58:46 PM Eric: fine be that way don’t tell me
10/8/2006 8:59:51 PM meg: for example. Today’s entry... i wondered why we had been on two dates and you had made no attempt to touch me. no hugging, no hand holding, nothing... i wondered if you were shy? gentlemanly? or just didn't think of me that way...
10/8/2006 9:00:11 PM meg: these are the kind of things i write about.
10/8/2006 9:00:29 PM meg: not anything that should bother you.. but things that make me very vulnerable.
10/8/2006 9:01:02 PM Eric: do you want me to answer that?
10/8/2006 9:01:26 PM meg: honestly. i don't know.
10/8/2006 9:02:00 PM Eric: i will answer it in my blog which you cant read......lmao....muahhaaaaaa
10/8/2006 9:02:10 PM meg: grr
10/8/2006 9:02:20 PM meg: but do you see why i don't think you should read it?
10/8/2006 9:02:23 PM meg: at least.. not yet.
10/8/2006 9:02:29 PM meg: not while everything is up in the air..
10/8/2006 9:03:41 PM Eric: honestly i am very shy about that stuff......it is not that i don’t want to do it i just i am afraid it might either be at the wrong time or i might get rejected or something to that nature......so that’s your answer...I know it is lame but that’s the best i got
10/8/2006 9:04:11 PM meg: i don't think that's lame.
10/8/2006 9:04:29 PM meg: i think that everyone is afraid of that exact thing.
10/8/2006 9:04:39 PM meg: when everything is going well. you don't want to ruin it.
10/8/2006 9:04:44 PM Eric: exactly

So. I was able to broach the subject of the lack of action. Reading this now – I can’t believe that I did that. I am happier to know though. And, I think he is happier to know how I feel too. Cause the next thing you know we were planning a date for Tuesday night.

So. That’s tonight. I’m heading over to his place with a pizza and some beer. We’re going to watch a movie or something – I gave him the responsibility of figuring that out. At first I felt a little weird about going over to his house, but there is nothing else to do on a Tuesday and the weather here is shitty. And it was my turn to plan a date, and he won’t ever let me pay for anything, so I didn’t want to go out for dinner again.

So, I’m not obsessing about what I’m going to wear, good jeans, tank top, sweater. But I am obsessing about what I actually want to happen. I really like him. And I know that 3 dates is way too soon to start thinking about the future. But, I actually want him to meet my parents. I think a lot about how he and my friends would get along. Thinking about how if we stay together, I’m going to stay in the US and whether that is ok with me. I’d never REALLY thought about it before. I’d entertained the idea but I’d never met a guy I’d be willing to stay for. But, now. He also seems really interested in my citizenship status. Almost more than my Dad. Haha. I think scared I’m going to run back to Canada and disappear.

I haven’t been this happy in a long time. And, it’s all because of him cause school is annoying and having no money sucks. Jesus. I’m letting a boy get in. This is scary.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

So last night was my second date with E, it was lovely. He is lovely. Ahh.. But.. I fear you need some background..

E and I have been talking everyday, for hours, for the last 3 weeks. It’s awesome. I haven’t ever felt this way about chatting with someone. We just have so much in common, and this sounds so cliche. but it kinda feels like he gets me. I don't feel like I have to explain anything.. or feel bad for feeling a certain way. I dunno. It just feels good. So, last weekend, we had our first date, it was very casual, did some shopping at walmart and then went to see the guardian. It was really nice, he’s easy to talk to, cute and fun. When he dropped me off, I didn’t even give him the chance to do anything. I thought I’d play it casual on the first date, I wanted to avoid awkwardness, and it did really feel like we’d just met. When he got home we chatted on the internet for another hour though. I thought that we had both had an awesome time, but we didn’t make any plans for the following week.. and since we talk on msn all the time, I knew he wouldn’t ask for my number. So, there was no way to gauge what he was thinking. I was happy that it went so well. I was terrified that it would be terrible and all the perfectness would disappear. That I would lose whatever potential there might be, and my chatting buddy.

So, we continued to chat for a few more days, and I mentioned that I though we should hang out the coming weekend. He agreed. Said it sounded like a good plan. So. He took charge and made plans. I like that. I hate always being the one to make the plans. Made me feel like he cared about what we were doing too, which is nice in the whole online meeting thing. Usually boys don't want to make plans cause they want to end up at someones place. I stressed out about what I was going to wear.

All while this is going on. I’m having issues with Dom. I decided we finally needed to have the chat about how this wasn’t going anywhere. He’s really sweet and cute and amazing in bed – but – I finally sucked it up and admitted to myself that he is not the kind of guy that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with and since I see him almost never, it seemed silly to pursue it further. I also wanted to spend Saturday night with Eric, so I needed to break my weekend plans with Dom. So. We talked on Wednesday. He called to confirm our weekend plans, and I told him we needed to talk about the context. That I couldn’t do this anymore. He was surprised. He cried. I had no idea that he felt so strongly about me. Seriously. We’ve been talking for 5 months, but we have only been on 4 dates. So. We got off the phone, and I thought everything was going to be ok. He’d taken it hard, but I thought it was going to be alright. That is until I got a nasty message from him the jist was how he couldn’t believe that I did what I did and that he deserved another chance… So. I wasn’t hurt, but I definitely wasn’t thinking I’d ever want to see this guy again. So. He calls the next day to apologize. And he wants to see me. I don’t. He begs. I agree to meet him for lunch. Saturday 2pm. He drives all the way here, for lunch.

Lunch was terrible. There were tears at Applebee’s. He wanted to know why. I don’t like having to explain myself. He asked me what my least favourite thing about him is. I asked him what his least favourite thing about me is, not that I really wanted to know. But I wanted to know how brutal he wanted me to be. Apparently I’m not funny. Meh. I told him that his obsession with his physical health was bordering on self obsession. The whole thing took 45 minutes. I felt relieved and sad that I hurt him but mostly relieved. I like having a lot of balls in the air. Talking and seeing lots of guys until something serious develops. I think that things are better that way. Better perspective and no settling. But, when a guy wants to get serious and it's not going anywhere, it needs to end. And so...

After I went to Kmart to spend some time and to make sure that he didn’t try to follow me. Sounds silly I know.. but he was kinda scary and irrational. I had mum's cell and E's number written on my hand.. but really... a cell isn't going to be that helpful if he attacks me or something...I bought some pj bottoms. They are cute. I went home and obsessed about what to wear. I settled on a baby doll style tank top, low, black and sexy (i think anyway). With a cardigan, good ass jeans and heels. Some black eyeliner, and a necklace. He arrived early. He looked cute. He was wearing a soft brown sueded dress shirt, jeans and brown docs. We went to this really nice Mexican restaurant. My food was awesome. We had great conversation. Then we did nothing for 2 hours, drove around, talked, giggled. Then we watched the departed. Wow. Great acting, great writing, I was surprised by how funny it was. But. Wow. Everyone dies. And the killing is so cold. Anyway, we had a nice time. I was acutely aware of where his hands were the whole movie. They were nowhere near me. We both sat there with our arms crossed and our shoulders touching. It seemed like he looked over at me a lot. But then I was shifting a lot in my seat. It was chilly in there and my ass kept falling asleep. There was a lot of smiling. I kept wondering what he was thinking. If he wanted to touch me as much as I wanted him to touch me.

He drove me home. He pulled his car right up to my door. He didn’t turn it off. He didn’t walk me to the door. We sat there for a few minutes flirting. I wanted to see if he would try anything. He didn’t. I said goodnight and went to the door. He waited til I was in to leave. He is gentlemanly, he opens doors and waits for me outside the bathroom when I go in to pee. So, I assumed that he was really tired or something. Or that he didn’t want the awkward moment at the door. And at that point it would have been awkward, since I had no idea what he was thinking. I was/am still a little disappointed. It’s the second date, and still nothing. I was thinking maybe a peck on the cheek, or a hug… or something… nothing. When I got up to my room to my computer he had already messaged me. We talked for another hour. So, he wasn’t tired.

I don’t know what to do. I really like him. So I don’t want to push. And it's not like I'm in some dire need of affection. But. I feel like I never know what he is thinking. I’m also concerned that he’s not into me, or he thinks I’m not into him, or that this is going to head for Friendsville. Friends are awesome and I can always use more. But I want more from this. I love the feeling when you are starting to fall for someone. The slight giddyness when you discover that you have feelings. When you want more than friendship. I hate the feeling when you are falling for someone and you fear they aren’t falling for you. Falling for someone after two dates sounds so dramatic.... and i don't want to sound that way.. i just.. haven't been with someone that felt this good, in a long time.

We have a running joke about “being even” it’s adorable. He bought the movie on the first date, and dinner on the second, so I bought the movie on the second so that we would “be even” and therefore I wouldn’t have to see him again. When he reminded me that he bought dinner, so I have to go out with him at least one more time. I kinda sound like a bitch when I write it out like this… but.. really.. it was playful.. not bitchy.. in real life. So. I’m pretty sure we’ll have another date. So. I’m going to wait and see what happens. I’m not used to going on dates and not having the guy try to make a move. I don’t know if it’s cause he is shy, gentlemanly or not interested. I hope to God it's not the last one. This is tremendously fun. I don't want it to end.