Yes indeed I'm alone again

And here comes emptiness crashing in

Its either love or hate

I can't find in between

Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper

The time around my birthday is always filled with a lot of self reflection. The prospect of getting older doesn’t bother me on its own, it is the stagnation in my life that it is paired with that bothers me. I hate that I’m single, unemployed and living with my parents. I hate it even more now that I am another year older. I want to feel like I am moving forward.

Birthdays also are a really interesting time to see who cares about you. My girls never disappoint. My parents are so cute. My new friends very sweet. Even Joel sent me a note, which meant so much to me. Silence from Eric. Whether he forgot, didn’t care, or didn’t say it on purpose – meh. Its funny how silence speaks volumes.

I’ve been really good. I’ve met two absolutely fantastic guys. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am digging myself into a hole. I’m trying not to think about how potentially bad the situation is, but just enjoy getting to know them. But I am feeling stress about the whole situation. I hate hurting people. And I am scared this is where it is headed.

This coming weekend is Kristen’s wedding. I’m not the hugest fan of weddings, especially family ones. I’m not really looking forward to it. Nor am I looking forward to attending it stag. I know the saying about bringing sand to the beach, but seriously, it’s in St. Louis. I’m not going to meet anyone. I’m going to spend the whole day hanging out with my parents. :S All the wedding bustle has really made me think about my own, though. And how I hope I don’t put my loved ones through the stress that she is. Jesus. I’m tightly wound, but this is ridiculous.

Why give up, why give in?

It's not enough, it never is.

So I will go on until the end.

Until the End - Breaking Benjamin

the rules

1) only date boys who have future potential

2) only date boys who i would want to be friends with

3) stop dating boys and date men

In the morning through the window shade

When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade

I could see what you were reading

Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens

We broke up.
It feels strange.
I haven’t cried.
I haven’t even thought about when I am going to see him again.

I don’t miss him and I don’t know what to think about that. I first I thought I was in denial. That it hadn’t hit me yet. Or that I was running from my feelings.

I spent the whole weekend alone cause my parents went to Canada and Eric and I had the chat on Friday evening. So. I spent a lot of time thinking.

So far I think that I’m not so upset because I already have been for the last 6 weeks. As Pato can attest, I’ve been rather unglued. With retrospect I think it is because things have been falling apart. He hasn’t been the same guy, he’s been more difficult, more selfish, more silent and I’ve been trying to make up for it by being more into the relationship.

I’m not denying that the boy has something that I’m incredibly attracted to. And I fell for the Oct, Nov, Dec version of Eric. However, the more I think about it, the more relief I feel. I’m horrible at ending relationships, and this one wasn’t destined for where it needed to go. He’s awesome for right now, but not so much future material.

I think the biggest issue for me right now is that I really don’t want to be single. It’s not that I don’t like alone time. Or that I don’t love myself. Or that I don’t think I have any worth when someone isn’t showering me with attention all the time. I just like having someone I can count on. I like being the most important person in someone’s world. And I like it when I’m not always the most important person in mine. Oh. And I hate first dates.

**but - now my fantasies about Pato (&S's) friend Craig are far more appropriate.

My last post seems very ironic now. Given that today has been the worst Valentines Day ever. Valentines Day sucks when you are alone. But it sucks even more when you are with someone and they do nothing.

I know that he hates Valentines Day. I know that he hates all holidays. So. When I put together a little gift for him today, I made sure that nothing said Valentines day, or was especially Valentine-ish. I gave him a frame with my picture in it and a piece of chocolate shaped like a race car. Even the card said "happy second wednesday in February" instead of "Be Mine." I wasn't even really expecting anything from him. I wasn't hoping for a gift or a card. I was only hoping for a night when we could enjoy each others company. Instead when I handed him the present he said "What is this" and then refused to open it. Claiming that if I listened I wouldn't have given him anything due to his hate for the day. And that if I wanted to give him something, I should have waited for another day.

I didn't say anything. I sat in silence for about 15 minutes and left. I don't even know what to say. The package sat unopened on the couch.

Maybe if he took his head out of his ass for long enough to see that the world doesn't revolve around him he would notice that the day meant something to me. And that I had put in a lot of effort to show him that I cared. And that if I mattered to him, maybe he could think about how I feel for like 30 seconds and just accept it and get over himself.

When I received a dozen roses in the mail from Mandar yesterday I knew this was how it was going to be. I knew that he would disappoint me. And I set my expectations so low. So low that there was nothing short of being the biggest asshole on the planet, that he could do to let me down. And he did it.

The more I think about it. The last 2 months have pretty much been a huge disappointment. Him breaking plans with me. Him being lazy. Him choosing his buddies over me. Yet when I ask him about our relationship, thinking that he is being a dick to get me to go away, he says he's not, and he gets upset about the idea of me leaving. He wants me to be all in. But he doesn't work hard enough to keep me and yet I'm in love with him.

Where do I go from here?

I think I'm going to wait this out. See if he comes to me. If he doesn't then I'll have my answer. If he does then I will have a chance to vent my frustration and disappointment.

What a shitty day.

I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please While you're looking up at me
You're my favourite damn disease.


Figured You Out - Nickelback




This post is about sex.
This post is about how I had some of the greatest sex I’ve ever had last week.
This post is going to be graphic.
You’ve been warned.

The tension had been building for a few days. We are not able to see each other nearly enough, and due to weird schedules, have only been averaging once a week. So when “the night” comes, I’m ready.

Earlier in the week we’d been talking about sex. Which we don’t often do. I was interested to see what was in his porn collection. He’s not very vocal about anything, especially what he wants in bed (I’m working on that) so I was hoping to find some hidden nuggets of fetish in his DVD collection. No such luck. A smattering of everything. Nothing atypical. Pretty much your run of the mill porn. He’s not into big boobs, which is good for me since my breasts seem to be shrinking out of proportion to the rest of me. But other than that he “likes everything” and “has done everything” the last one shocked me a little. Cause, I’ve had way way more partners than he has, and I am far from having done “everything.” But, the girl he dated for 9 years was somewhat adventurous. Which is good and bad for me. So, as I asked him to give me some details, so I could know what I was dealing with, I became a little overwhelmed, and scared that our sex life was boring. Upon voicing these fears I was reassured that I do something that he always wanted her to do but she never would and that makes me more fun than she ever was. Blow jobs. Awesome. Since I’m a big fan of the blowjob this pleases me. It also pleases me that I am dating a boy who thinks getting blow jobs are more fun than double penetration and pole dancing. Hurray. Brownie points!

So. A few nights later, I decide to blow his mind. There is kissing. There is fondling. And I find myself on my knees. Now girls, in my opinion there is nothing more fun than bringing a guy to the brink, and then teasing, over and over. I did this for long enough that he started making slightly whimpery noises. At which point I straddled him. Now, I’m short and uber stumpy. And he is a big guy. So girl on top is usually pretty awkward and not that fun. However, with him sitting on the couch, and a booster seat of cushions on either side and I was good to go.

Jesus Christ. I’m scared of the noises that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t even walk after. I could barely breathe.

God. I need more of this.

Well many a night I found myself

with no friends standing near

All of my days

I cried aloud

I shook my hands

What am I doing here

All of these days

For I look around me

And my eyes confound me

And it’s just too bright

As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly

It’s you I’m looking for

All of My Days - Alexi Murdoch

The last week or so has been ridiculous. I feel as though I would be sitting here without my head, having lost it somewhere in the process, if it was not securely attached. Last week I had a big presentation due in a class and I spent the weekend in class in Flint. Whew. I kinda just want to sit down and close my eyes.

My presentation went really well. I seem to have figured out how school works. It’s become more enjoyable than it ever was before and my grades are better than I ever would have thought. If only I had gotten my ass in gear when I was at Laurier – how different my life would be.

Spending the weekend in Flint is always an experience. My class is really interesting. It’s about diversity in the classroom, but pretty much all we do is talk about things that make people uncomfortable. Since my prejudices are different than most peoples, for example I have a real issue with old Christian ladies, but couldn’t care less about transexualism. I feel pretty comfortable in the class, and it’s really interesting/frustrating to listen to other people talk about their prejudices. I spend a lot of time being scared that they are teachers.

When in Flint I spend Saturday night in a hotel by myself. It’s cool and weird all at the same time. I love hotels. I love the endless supply of hot water. Having piles of clean towels. Sliding into a freshly made bed, that I didn’t have to make. Walking down the hall to get ice and pop from a machine. The chlorine smell from the pool on my skin. The feeling like I’m on my own little vacation and that I can do whatever I want. Order room service? Have candy bars for dinner? Have a two hour long bath? Spend all night watching reality TV? But, as often happens with that “I can do whatever I want cause I’m alone” feeling, comes loneliness as well. The feeling that this would be so much better if Eric were here. If it was him that I wrapped myself around instead of the pillow. If I had him to share the massive King sized bed with.

Speaking of Eric. Things are good, I think. They are normal and comfortable and safe. I’m going to stop over thinking. Well. I am going to try to stop over thinking. Allow myself to enjoy the moment. Allow myself to be happy and ok.

The picture above is of the break wall in the Petoskey harbor. It was so freaking cold that day.I took a picture of it for my photography class mostly because there is not so many interesting things to take pictures of in the Winter, in Petoskey. But I like this pic. I like what the breakwater stands for, protecting the beach and the boats from the big waves. Providing a boundary for those who aren’t ready to go out into the big water. An interesting metaphor.

Many's the time I ran with you down

The rainy roads of our old town

Many the lives we lived in each day

And buried altogether

Don't laugh at me

Don't look away

Bedshaped - Keane

Other than the Eric situation, my life has had some interesting twists and turns lately. I cut all my hair off (as you can see). It was becoming increasingly damaged, harder and harder to manage because of said damage and I felt like the whole world was looking at me, and thinking what I think when I see a girl with fried hair "why the hell doesn't she cut that off?" In reality, it probably wasn't as bad as I thought, but that mixed with a little procrastination and some desire for change ends me with a pixie cut circa barclee 1999. It's strange what cutting your hair like this does. I go through periods of loving it, like when I get out of the shower and it takes 3 minutes to style, and hating it. It feels really nice and soft. It's fun and easy. But it's strange that something that makes me spend less time on my appearance makes me think about it more. I'm a little worried that Eric will hate it. Well. I know he will hate it. I just hope.. I dunno..

I also had a really interesting conversation with my Mum the other day. My parents have been really awesome through the dating of all these guys. They really just want me to be happy. But with every guy I talk about - they want to know if he is a Christian... because you know "it's important to date someone who believes the same as you." The thing is - I no longer believe what they believe. I'm not into Christian guys and they aren't into me either. So. I had the talk with my Mum. It kinda felt like I was coming out of the closet. My parents don't like my lifestyle, but they still love me. Strange eh? It was tense and hard to say the things I needed to say - but I feel a lot better now. I feel less like I need to hide. I feel more like myself.

Additionally. And some what out of the blue. Yesterday I sent my highschool boyfriend a note on facebook. Nothing threatening, or really all that interesting.. just a little "hey, it's been a long time, how are you, best wishes" kinda thing. I was feeling like I was being a jerk for not saying hi since we have tons of mutual friends. I honestly wasn't expecting a reply. I didn't think he wanted to be friends, but, I didn't think that he hated me either. I became aware of that this morning when I woke up to a curse filled email telling me that I was a psycho and a stupid bitch and that I should fuck off. Interesting. I'm trying to be thick skinned about it. But seriously - what the hell? Why would he be this angry with me? I don't get it.

Boys are so confusing.

Still I wonder why it is?

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you.

Like a Star - Corrine Bailey Rae

Again, it has been a really long time. And again, it is because there is almost too much to write about. And again, it is because I think too much and am incapable of just being normal and happy.

Things with Eric are a bit weird. Through a lot of soul searching and counsel from Pato, I’ve come to realize that the problem really isn’t any one of the million tiny things that irk me. The problem is that they all add up to me feeling unimportant to him. I’m crazy about him. I'm also in love with him, although I’m not sure I’d ever admit that anywhere but here. But I’m terrified. I’m terrified that he doesn’t feel the same way. And, the things that he is doing, like scheduling vacations with his buddies on the weekends I am available and not talking about his feelings scare me. Cause in my mind these are not things that equal falling in love. But Allison is totally right, I cannot dictate the way he loves me. Everyone is different, everyone has different ways of showing they care and everyone has different expectations.

So he and I need to talk. We need to talk about this importance issue. I’m under the assumption that if I am really important to him, that maybe he will be willing to change a little to put my mind at ease, and if I’m not important to him, than I need to reevaluate this relationship.

The fact that I might be needing to reevaluate this relationship at the end of the conversation is causing me to procrastinate. Things are ok now. I feel really strongly about him. My body hurts when he is away. When I see people kissing on TV I miss him. When I hear a love song I immediately think of him. When he touches me I turn into this puddle. The sex is really really good. He lives just down the street and we have a good time when we are together. I’m just scared out of my mind.

I’m also a little scared of putting all my eggs in one basket. I’ve been juggling guys for a while now, and while it’s not fulfilling, it’s safe. I don’t want to spend another 5 years with a guy just to find out that he’s not the one. The whole time I’ve been with Eric, I’ve also been chatting with Mandar and Roger. Part of the issue I think is the lacking of local friends – it’s nice to have some people who are excited to talk to me all the time. But at the same time, I’m not being fair to them, or Eric. And now it’s come to a head, Mandar wants to fly me out to visit him and Roger is making efforts towards a relationship and I need to stop it. But, feeling so out of control about Eric is confusing me.

Poor Allison, gets to hear my bitching and moaning everyday. All the drama. The internal drama, cause for once I’m in a relationship where there really isn’t any. You’re a good friend Al, and I don’t know how I would live without you.

When he comes home from spending the weekend with his buddies, we are going to talk. I promise. But I can’t promise I won’t be scared shitless.

*you may have noticed that I attached a pic to this post. In the beginning of this blog I was looking for anonymity, I had something to hide. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'm not looking for exposure, but I don't want to be ashamed of how I feel anymore. I think this might be the first step. Look forward to more pictures.