You're not sure that you love me, but you not sure enough to let me go.
Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers


The Update:

I'm going to use names, cause otherwise it's too confusing. They may or may not be real.

Greg - We talk occasionally, usually monosyllabic responses on one side or the other. It's awkward. He knows that I'm dating a lot. He's emailing a couple of girls. I'm sad that it's over, but at the same time - I'm not sure that the physical chemistry was there anyway. ugh.

Dominic - Still hanging on. He's coming over this weekend. I'm excited. We had a great time on our last date and I have high hopes for this one. I'm not convinced that it has forever type potential. But he's smart, interesting, sweet and mucho cute. Cross your fingers.

Joel - Still have not had "the conversation." It will. I promise. Really.

Carl - hot body. No brains. 1 date.

Lee - Oh. My. Great first date. So sweet. Nice restaurant. Coffee. A cuddling and a blanket by the lake. So sweet. Second date started really well but seemed to go downhill. We ended up cuddling on my bed which spanned the extremes of really nice and incredibly uncomfortable. The third date was a little weird as well. I really like him, he's really sweet, but.. I dunno. I feel like there is a but. I think it's over.

Mike - Holy freaking cow. Crazy hot sex on the first date. I finally thought I'd met someone interesting. He called everyday for a week after. Meh sex on the second date. Tells me he's getting a vasectomy. I decide he's a bit of a freakshow and try to call it off. He freaks out and tells me what a horrible person I am. Apparently I am horribly mean, controlling and I make everyone feel like shit. Hmmmm.

Sean - This one lasted 1.5 hrs. I was late. I felt terrible. He was psycho. He had pretty much decided that we were getting married. I told him the next day I wasn't interested. He flipped out. I'm really getting tired of the flip outs.

Chris - The boy from PEI who keeps calling in the middle of the night. He's sweet. But really LDR's suck. And PEI might be the definition of LD - but he has spontaneously shown up in my town. Interesting.

Andrew - Oh the frustration. I still have the hots for Andrew. But he is apparently not in the market for a real relationship - and his roomate thinks I'm cute. Did I call that or what.



I'm beginning to feel a bit like a loser magnet. What the hell is the matter with me. Either they are not really available, or there is something wrong with them. Why is everyone damaged?

Cause in my head there is a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where
They are far more suited than here.
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie

So there is another boy.
We met online last year. But it just never happened. We didn't meet. The geography was too big of a problem. I thought he was cute and sweet and everything... but it just didn't happen. So he's been on my msn list forever, but we haven't chatted in months.

So he messages me yesterday while I am at my parents stealing DSL. There is chatting, catching up. I tell him where I am and that I was heading home shortly and that I'm going to be driving through his town which is about 40 mins from my town, sometime that evening. So he invites me out for coffee, which surprised me. Re-reading this paragraph it kinda sounds like maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise, but seriously we chatted for months before and never met, so I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it.

So he gives me his number and I tell him that I will call him when I get to his town. So, in order to understand this whole situation, you need to know that yesterday was a terrible day. I woke up in Grand Rapids, no one had a hair brush. left D's house at 6:30, was to the PU's by mid morning. Feeling awful. Tons of homework to be doing and puking all day. Hot. I know. So. I was excited to meet A, but at the same time, I was about 15 minutes away from leaving when the invitiation came, so I had no time to clean up and nothing better to put on. So I was looking/feeling rough.

So I went to Walmart to grab some stuff for work. I called him from the payphone and made some plans. Times, places etc. He asked if he could bring his roomate. I thought that would be fine, the more the merrier, and it makes it less date like, and less scary. But I later wondered a bit about it, turns out he's had some pretty psycho first dates. I shopped and then stopped in the bathroom to try and fix the hair and face a bit. Maybe look like I hadn't been puking only hours before. So I'm in the bathroom, putting on some lip gloss, when a man walks in. Gives me a weirdo look and goes into the one stall. I'm thinking "What the fuck buddy, don't give me that look - you're the one in the woman's bathroom." But, of course, he's not. Yeah. Yesterday was that kind of day.

So I get out of the men's bathroom and go get in my car. I'm running 15 mins late. Drive to the bar where we are meeting. Go in. Can't find him. Get ID'd by the bartender. Figure that A must have left because I was so late. So I get in my car and get to a phone and call him. He's running late too. So we meet in the parking lot. He's cute. We get drinks and grab a seat. He's really cute. His friend is less cute but funny and talkative which is good cause A was kinda quiet. But with both of them there it did kinda feel like some sort of interview. I laughed the whole time. They had some completely ridiculous stories. His friend did a lot of the talking. But I exercised my flirting skills. We had a napkin wad war and I tried on his ring, way too big for even my thumb, while the friend was talking. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I never really flirt. But I kinda thought if I didn't he wasn't going to know what was going on since his friend was doing most of the talking. There was lots of eye contact. There was lots of smiling. He kept kicking me under the table. We saved a bug from drowning in the beer. We have a very natural banter, which is nice.

He's so totally my type. Kinda nerdy but handy with the tools as well. Smart and funny. Cute. Maybe even hot. My kind of cute. Tall with a baby face.

So at 12:30 I remembered that I needed to work the next morning and that my kitty was waiting for me. He walked me to my car. He said we needed to do it again sometime. We'll see. I sometimes don't decipher boy code perfectly.

I hope we do. He's adorable. And on a less romantic note, I think having more than one boy right now is good. I don't need to jump into something serious.

I wonder if I passed the interview.

you move my mind to you
my thoughts distracted by your face
you move my mind to you
memories filled
when I’m with you there’s no need to wait,
no need to wait go where you want to,
where you want to go where you want to,
take me there with you you walked right in my sight,
that’s my invite to follow you i’m dreaming of you,
dreaming of me,
dreaming of you today there’s no need to wait,
no need to wait come in close to me,
come in close
Where You Want To - The Fray

I just got home from Grand Rapids. I can't stop smiling.

I had class all weekend. But, I thought since I was going to be so close (so close = 2 hrs) to D that we might as well hang out. So I drove to GR. Arrived around 6:30. We went to a park. It was beautiful. I put my toes in the little lake. There was smiling. There was flirting. There was adjusting of underwear (2nd date = uncomfy but smokin hot undies just in case.) After walking around for awhile we went to a stirfry place for dinner. It was yummy. Discovered I got my period early when I went to the bathroom. So much for the smokin undies.

We went back to his place to watch some tv and hang out. We watched the first episode of Serenity. I actually liked it. I was surprised! It was funny and surprisingly interesting. He turned all the lights off. I kept waiting for him to make a move. Nothing. So. Hmmm. What to do. He's kissed me. And I caught him looking at my breasts a number of times during dinner. (He's not pervy, I was wearing a really plunging neckline.) Presumably he isn't repulsed by me, so I move closer. He says "Oh, so you do like me!" I'm like Huh? What? Of course I like you! Apparently I have conservative body language. I'm sure that my father would love to know that. Firstly that I am not a whore, but that apparently there is a conservative bone in my body.

There was cuddling. There was hand holding. There was kissing. He is an amazing kisser. I thought that I would not like the facial hair. But his is really soft. More tickley than picky. I love how he touches me when we kiss. My hair. My neck. My face. Just thinking about kissing him makes the whole lower half of my body contract.

He asked me to stay. It was late and he needed to go to bed, silly people with jobs, but I wasn't ready to leave. and driving 3 hours home was not the first thing on my mind at midnight. I stayed. We cuddled. I wouldn't let him take off my bra. (I've learned that when sex is not an option, god damned period, that I need to stop the heat early, but I would have loved to see where that was going.) He's incredibly sweet and thoughtful. We had good conversation too. No awkward silences.

He's one of those guys who compliments everything, not everything like annoying, but if you are doing something he likes, he tells you. I love that. He makes adorable noises when we are making out. He makes me laugh. When he smiles at me my knees weaken, my heart stops and my brain no longer works. I can't wait to see him again.


Haven't talked to G all week, but I got an email from him 2 days ago. Very "friendish." I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I haven't written back yet. I don't know what to say. My motivation is limited. I'm a busy kid. and he apparently only wants to be friends. I don't have time for this. But. I don't want to lose him completely...

How can boys be wonderful and terrible?