I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right.
Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

I thought that it was safe to say that I hate surprises. It’s not really the surprise that I hate, more the waiting for the surprise. I hate knowing that a surprise is coming because I’m always kinda disappointed. I’m not sure what this says about me. Maybe I am difficult to please. Regardless, this weekend might be the greatest surprise I’ve ever had.

He took me to his Island. Drummond, where he has hunted and camped his whole life. We stayed in this adorable cabin with a fancy tub. We ate with the locals. We explored each others bodies. He took me trail riding and out onto the ice. He wears flannel and drives a truck and Buzz (the dog) came. Everything was new and exciting and yet perfect and comfortable all at the same time. My favourite moment was Sunday morning, after an evening of amazingness followed by a night of falling asleep to the sounds of his soft breathing and the warmth of his body next to mine, I was looking out at the beautiful view of the misty lake, when he wrapped his arms around me from behind and said “You know that I love you, don’t you?” I thought that my heart might break from happiness right there.

I can’t even explain how it feels to be with him. It’s like I found the missing piece. He unlocks something inside of me. When we are together I feel safe, and whole, and unafraid. And when I’m having a shitty day all I have to do is think of him and I can’t stop smiling. I’ve never really thought of forever or eternity before. But I can’t help it when I am with him.

The picture of the key is not to show you my crazy awesome M key chain. Or to create some kind of cheesy metaphor. But because this weekend I became the proud owner of a new key – to Josh’s house.

How to Know You Have a Keeper

- He sends you random text messages telling you how wonderful you are.
- He wants to cook you dinner and when he does He cooks you a dinner of chicken, salad, rice and sugar free jello that fits perfectly with your diet.
- He tangles his fingers in your hair as he kisses you softly.
- He gets your jokes.
- When you arrive at his house he runs out to the car to help you in through the snow.
- He leaves work early to clean his house to impress you.
- He writes you thoughtful emails everyday, even when he doesn’t really have time.
- He supports you and tells you how smart and strong you are, when you are stressed and falling apart.
- He listens to you.
- When you have to leave at 5am he gets up with you and walks you out.
- You can't stop smiling when you think of him.
- He makes you feel like you can do anything.
- While making love he tells you that you are the only one he wants to be with.
- There is nothing that you could tell him that he wouldn’t understand.
- After you make love he holds you and looks in your eyes and asks you if you know how beautiful you are.
- While giving you the best massage of your life he tells you that he would love to do this everyday.
- He makes you feel safe.
- He tells you that you are the most amazing woman he knows and that you are everything he has ever looked for.
- The only place you want to be is in his arms.

See my eyes, they carry your reflection,

Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you,

Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me,

Show me what you're doing,

So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,

What you feel now is what I feel for you.

Take My Hand - Dido

He arrived bearing the most beautiful bouquet. “Pink,” he said, “because you love pink.” Then he smiled at me, and I thought I was going to turn inside out. He has this spell over me. I’ve never felt so comfortable and so at ease with a person, and still have my heart beat so hard that I wonder if it is visible through my chest. When he looks at me, when he touches me, I just melt into this puddle of ridiculousness. I have no idea how he can be so amazing, understanding, smart, sweet, compassionate, interesting, funny, cute… I just I have yet to be able to put how I feel for him into words. He makes me speechless. I don’t know what god I was praying to, but apparently it worked, cause I have never felt so lucky in my life.

We window shopped. We walked around. Flirted and Teased. We made conversation with old people about the hazards of Polio. We grocery shopped. He met my Dad. My Dad offered him pie (that’s a good sign). We ate dinner at the bar at Applebee’s and commented on how sad it is that people get hammered at Applebee’s. We watched movies. We cuddled. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I discovered that I can straddle him comfortably. It was the easiest and most comfortable date ever. I feel like I’ve known him for my whole life, and yet I have this insatiable desire to take all of his clothes off.

I think I’m addicted to the feeling of his skin on mine. His fingers in my hair. His lips on my neck. Our hearts pounding in a syncopated rhythm.

This feeling is so strange. Wonderful, but strange. In every other relationship I’ve ever had, there have been things that from the very beginning I have to learn to accept. There have always been exceptions. The “He’s a great guy, but…” but I don’t feel like that with Josh at all. I hesitate to say that he is perfect, because no one is. But I’m not sure that there is anyone out there, more perfect for me. For the first time, this one is as far as I’m looking. I’ve taken all my profiles down. I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I want him. Or no one.

I know this sounds like crazy talk, given that we’ve met so few times, but, they always say that when you feel it, you feel it. And, I’ve always thought it was hooey. Until now.

I hurt to be away from him. My heart aches when we are apart. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him, doesn’t scare me. It excites me. I’ve fallen so hard and so fast for this boy, that I’m dizzy.

Maybe next week, he will tell me that I’m not the one. Maybe he’ll call the whole thing off. But I don’t care. I’m beyond common sense. I’m beyond rationality. I’m completely intoxicated by this boy, and I never want to be sober again.

You don't mistreat me like those other girls do,
It's a wonder I don't fall in love with you.
You take the train and come visit me,
Sometimes I drive to you,
We speak of hearts broken and you lick my wounds.
It's a Wonder - Joe Purdy

Hello friends.
Sorry this has been a while coming. Life has been kinda complicated over the last week or so. Good complicated. The kind of complicated where there are too many amazing boys in ones life.

As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve met two guys. Both are amazing, smart, sweet, kind, thoughtful, the kind of guys that I don’t usually date because they have future potential. They are both cute and fun and I’ve had a blast getting to know them.

Upon first realizing the danger that I was putting myself in, by falling for two guys, I begged friends for advice. It was varied, as it always is, but it was good. I have amazing friends. I decided to meet both of them, and see for myself. They are both fantastic. I had a smashing time with both and the decision my head would have had to make would have been very hard, but my heart had other plans.

I find myself daydreaming about Josh. It is physically impossible for me to stop thinking about him. It’s voodoo. About the twinkle in his eye. About the random notes he sends me. About how his hand feels on my cheek. About how amazing he smells. About how we just seem to click. About how I cannot stop smiling when I think about him. There feels like there is something more. Sparks. Energy flowing between us.

Bill is hot. Crazy hot. And so sweet, and thoughtful and kind. But there is something missing. Something I can’t put my finger on, and something that I might not even know existed, except that I feel it with Josh. The desire to just be with him every moment of everyday. The compulsion to drop everything and run to his side.

I hate that Bill will be disappointed. I hate it when people feel that way about me, like I let them down. But – I no longer feel conflicted. And it feels good.

how can I ache so desperately for someone I have not met?

how can it hurt to be so far from him whose eyes I've never gazed upon?