I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in
I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand
I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand
Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan


He does this thing that is so cute that it makes my heart break. It's how he scratches his nose. It's weird. But it's so cute that I just want to squeeze him.

So, 'he' and 'i' are now 'we.'

It happened last night. We were chatting about how I had not yet told Joel that I was dating someone else. He seemed rather anxious about it. I realized that over the course of the conversation that he was anxious because he was scared that I still had feelings for Joel. I also noticed him using the terms "us" and "you're with someone." So, I said "so are we, we?" and he said "I dunno? Are we?" Which is frustratingly cute, as he has this habit of answering questions that I should already know the answer to with questions. Then he said. "I'm only dating you. I only want you. I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not looking to date anyone else." And I fell a little further into him.

Never thought I'd say I'm sorry.
Never thought I'd be the one.
Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo


Over the thanksgiving break I was alone a lot. So. I did a lot of thinking. Thinking about relationships, why they failed, and hoping to maybe learn something so that I don’t repeat my past mistakes.

In light I think of the impending trip to Southern Ontario, I’ve been thinking a lot about Joel and why it didn’t work. We were together such a long time. It obviously wasn’t horrible or anything. He’s a really nice guy. He’s cute. We’re friends. What went wrong?

I didn’t trust him. I knew that he was a good guy. He wouldn’t purposefully hurt me, or do anything destructive. But he fucked up enough that I couldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I can’t respect a screw up. No matter how sweet or cute they are – I can’t. He forgot his wallet on our first date. He had chronic problems balancing his finances. He leaned on his parents too much. He wasn’t a good driver so I couldn’t trust him with my car. He regularly got lost or forgot things.

I couldn’t count on him. I’m looking for someone who completes me. Who can save me when I can’t save myself. He couldn’t save me. I couldn’t depend on him. I didn’t trust him. So I could never give myself to him completely.

Maybe redeption has stories to tell,
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where are you going to go?
Salvation is here.
Dare You To Move - Switchfoot


We’re in line for snacks at the movies. He asks if I want anything. I don’t. He says: Right, I should have known, you never do. Why? So, I go on to explain that I’m watching what I eat. He says: Why? (Awwww, and he became the perfect man!) So, I tell him that I’m going to be seeing my ex boyfriend and my ex boss the next weekend, and how I’d like to look good. He's not totally comfortable with this I can tell. I make sure he knows that I broke up with him, that I don't want him back, but I don't want him to be happy I dumped him either. Some how this turns into a conversation regarding where the craziest place we ever had sex was. I’m not sure how it got there, cause he definitely was uncomfortable, and I felt sick to my stomach to think about him with some other girls.

I’m falling. Hard and fast. I wouldn’t say that I’d use the l-word yet, and not that I would even say if I felt it, but there is so much to love about him.

I love that he asks about my day even though he knows that all I did was go to class. I love how he automatically covers me with the blanket and that he always wants to share. I love that he rubs my feet without being asked. I love that he lets me stick my feet under his bum for warmth. I love that he doesn’t complain about how I sit on the couch or the endless fidgeting. How he wants to know how I slept and what I dreamt about. I love that he doesn’t want to dwell on the past. I love that he acknowledges that he has issues. I love that he likes me despite mine. I love that he’ll try anything once. I love how laid back he is. That he lets his Mum buy him clothes. I love how thankful he is for everything that I do for him. I love how he asks for my opinion.

I’m nervous about next weekend. I’m nervous about seeing Joel. I’m scared he is going to break when I tell him about Eric. I also am scared that he’s not going to care. I don’t want to be with him. But, I’m still not totally over him. I know this. I’m dealing. It would make me feel better if his parents knew. It would make me feel better if he was dealing with us not being together. I think I will feel better after. After it is dealt with. After it is over. But he doesn’t seem to want to go there.

But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
This Year's Love - David Grey

I arrived in a tight black sweater, a white collared shirt, a denim mini, stockings, black bra and the tiniest thong possible. I pretended I went straight from working for my dad to school, which is of course fictitious, I just wanted to look smoking for him. We watched the office, that he always records for me, and then Guess Who, but neither of us had any interest in watching the screen. Soon the stockings were off and so was the sweater and the look on his face when he saw the black bra through the white blouse was priceless. After an hour of his tongue in my mouth, his lips on my neck, my ear lobes, my chest, his hands caressing my breasts, my ass under my skirt, I was so hot for him that I thought my head might explode.

Whether he sensed my impending loss of all control, or he was there himself as of course I was doing an excellent job of manual stimulation. His fingers blazed a trail along my inner thigh. I thought I was on fire. As we began to massage me through my undies I could not control the sounds coming from my mouth. How could he know just what to do? As he slipped past the black lace barrier I became vibrating, spasming, sighing putty.

After recovering on his shoulder, I looked into those beautiful hazel eyes and said “What do you want?” Dying for him to tell me to suck him. Apparently he is a little uncomfortable with asking. Which is thoughtful. He doesn’t want anything I’m not willing to give. But. It’s so hot when they can say it. Plus, we’re both sitting there dying to fuck each others brains out, but neither of us can say it.

So..

He brushed my hair out of my eyes. I looked up at him and licked a bit of the salty tang off my upper lip. He sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. I stood up and walked weak kneed over to the sink for a drink. I joined him on the couch. He gave me that look. That my mind has just been blown look. I said “What?” He said “Nothing.” I said “No, really?” He said, “ You’re just really good at that.” I said “Thanks” and for a split second began to worry if he was wondering how much practice I had had. Then he said “ no seriously….” And went on to tell me stories of having been blown for 45 minutes (our average is about 3.5 minutes) and not getting off. Of always liking them, but never getting there from one. Until me.

Hmm. Firstly. I’m on to you boys. I am an enthusiast, I’ve only ever received praise, and a ridiculous amount at that, but – I’m not sure that I believe that you have never cum from a bj before. I’m glad to appreciate my style, but, I am fully aware that you think that flattering me, will get you more bjs. Don’t worry, it still totally will, but I’m on to you. Secondly, ladies, if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it poorly, just don’t do it. Suck it up and say no. You’re giving the rest of us a bad rap.

Needless to say, I didn’t require the services of any battery operated devices this time.

Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain
Won’t Back Down – Mat Kearney


I think they like him.

My dad said that he seemed like a really nice guy. Friendly. I think my dad liked that they had lots to talk about. Man stuff. That he didn’t have to try and make conversation, that it just happened.

My mum said he was cute, which he obviously is. That she liked watching him tease me. And that she was kinda surprised cause he was nothing like anyone I’ve ever dated. He’s sure of himself. Opinionated. Confident. Fun. He’s not as intellectual or articulate as me. But I like that he’s not afraid of my intelligence. Every other boyfriend I’ve had seemed to be scared of me.

It was cute how interested he was in whether they liked him or not. So cute I just want to squeeze him. I can’t stop thinking about him. When I’m going to see him next.

I talked to my pato tonight. It’s always good. It’s always good to have someone tell you what’s been sitting at the back of my mind. I need to tell Joel about Eric. I need to show him it’s over. I need to let him move on. I need to stop giving these boys who have no chance of getting in my pants hope.

Speaking of which. I got a package in the mail from Mandar tonight. It’s awesome. All sorts of treasures from India. Oh. And Greg called. I like him. I think we would be great friends if he lived closer. Course if he lived closer we would probably be more than friends.

I smell like the soap mandar sent me. It’s lovely.

Where you going? My one true love,

You understand me like no one does,

So who is going to save me now?

He said She said - Joe Purdy

Sunday.

He expressed desire for me to come over. It sounds weird. But, he usually doesn’t. He frames his invitations in ways that make it sound like I can come over if I want to. It used to really bother me. I always felt like he didn’t really want to hang out. I think I’ve figured out that he invites me this way so that if I don’t come, it doesn’t hurt him. He wants me there, otherwise he wouldn’t tell me to come over whenever I want to. He wouldn’t have told me where the hidden key was. But still. It was nice to hear.

I went over. We watched ‘the’ worst movie on the face of the planet. Hard Luck – Wesley Snipes and Cybill Shepard. Yep. You read correctly. What a pair eh? We made out. It was hot. At one especially lusty point I asked if there was a line I couldn’t cross. He said no. I said are you sure. He said yes. So. I went down. It was fantastic. It’s the wrong time of month for him to reciprocate, but I’m glad someone got relief. I’m also really interested in the idea that there wasn’t a line for me to cross. I’ve always felt like there was a line that we were slowly pushing forward. It’s a little scary actually. The longer it takes for us to sleep together, the more pressure there is.

I know everyone in a new relationship says this. But. I’ve never felt like this before. Maybe a little bit with Joel at the beginning. Maybe. I’m not sure. I think with Joel at the beginning I just wanted someone to chase and it got out of hand. When Eric and I part I feel a little sad. With most people I feel relief when they leave. With him every date seems too short. Every moment too brief.

I’m falling. It’s wonderful and terrifying.

It’s funny. I know I’m falling because I don’t want to write anything bad about him on here. I don’t want to write anything that would make anyone think poorly of him. I want to protect him.


Tuesday.

So my parents have been harassing me about meeting Eric. I kinda think that at only a month and a half, it might be kinda early, but I live with my parents for free, so their happiness equals my happiness. And. I do really like him. And I am of the school where you introduce people to your family a little bit at a time, because big huge family events are overwhelming. Oh. And I don’t like people. ;)

So I was scared. What would they talk about? Would they like each other?

So. My mum made lasagna. He came over. He was great. Chatty and friendly. I’m still not sure what my parents thought, but I’m sure I’ll find that out tonight. He was really good though. I was proud of him. At 9 we left and went and saw Stranger than Fiction. It was good. Not funny. But thought provoking. On the way there he asked me if I would tell him if my parents didn’t like him. I’m glad that he cares about what they think. Not too much. Not so much that its annoying. But enough that I know he cares about me. Enough that there won’t be major conflicts in the future regarding my parents.


So. This coming weekend he is going to deer camp. I’ve been invited to the Sault to see Roger (6’4, 20 and really really beautiful) and to Detroit to see Chris (6’8 from PEI, he’ll be there for 34 hrs). I’m incredibly sexually frustrated. Pato says I’m a “Loose cannon ready to go off.” And. I know that if I go in either direction I could get fucked if I wanted to. But I want Eric.

Pato also says that since I haven’t had sex since August. I’m a virgin again. Awesome.

now we've been a little more than just friends
and where we go now, i guess that depends
if i get myself caught up in your scene
black hair, black coffee, and hard nicotine
i can't sleep, i can't eat
need you to hold my hand so i can cross the street
Nicotina - Big Sugar


Why is it when I get home from making out with Eric - I look so much hotter than when I left home? My lips are pink and swollen, cheeks flushed, hair soft and tousled and I can't stop smiling.

No wonder when I say "I really need to go / you really need to get to bed" he says "So soon/ so you're leaving me?"


Last night had a lot of firsts. The biggest one was that I pushed. I put myself out there and it was good. I noticed that the last few times we've been making out, there has been over the sweater action, and it's getting more and more aggressive and it would feel soo much better, if it was under the sweater. I also noticed that there was a lot of hanging around about the bottom edge of my shirt that had creeped up.. so.. i put my shirt over his hand... I'm very glad I did.

Also. (I know! Also! I pushed even more!) I've been hovering my hand on his lower stomach.. not knowing where the line is, but, thinking that he's had his hands full of my ass and breasts, that I would go in. The groan and the passionate kiss let me know I was ok. I even went skin to skin and was met with positive results.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm proud I pushed. I'm proud I trusted him enough to put myself out there. I'm also proud I restrained myself cause I wanted so much more.

Yes, I had to go home and "Read" our euphemism for well.. you know..

Baby there’s something about you,
that I can hold on to,
I’m going to hold on to that.
Something About You - Five For Fighting

I love how his lips feel on mine. Soft and warm. The tickle of his beard on my cheek. His scent of soap and fabric softener. His thumb running along my jaw line. His fingers tangled in my hair. The way he smiles at me when I break our kiss. The way he never breaks a kiss. The way his chest hair feels between my fingers. They way he looks at me with that devilish look before he pulls me in. The way it feels to wrap my body around his. They way he tickles my lower back. The way that he always wants to cuddle. The way that he automatically reaches for me. The way my head fits perfectly on his shoulder. The way he always smells my hair.

I love that he is strong. That he is hard. That he is not sentimental or sensitive. I love that he calls me on my bullshit. I love that I don’t ever have to worry about whether he is mad, or upset, cause he tells me. I love that there is no bullshit. No drama. I love that he knows what he wants. I love that he isn't trying to find himself. I love that he could live without me, but he doesn't want to. I love that he is masculine. He likes football and nascar. I love that he is nothing like anyone I’ve ever been with. I love how dainty I am in his arms. I love how safe I feel.

I love his thick fingers with their hard work calluses and bitten nails.
I love how this big hard man becomes soft when our eyes meet.

What would happen if we kissed?
Would your tongue slip past my lips?
Would you run away?
Would you stay?
Or would I melt into you?
Mouth to mouth,
lust to lust,
Spontaneously combust
If We Kissed - Fiona Apple

There is something strange that happens when you start seeing someone new. Personal hygiene becomes obsessive. I love products. I love fussing. I would say that grooming is already a hobby for me – but now – it’s become like an occupation. The tweezing, waxing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, blow drying, deep conditioning, mani’s, pedi’s – it is all getting a little out of hand. Ensuring that every inch is completely touchable, smooth and smelling perfect. That every inch is crying out to be tasted.

However, it is all worth it when he runs his hands up your bare legs under your skirt and says “god, your skin is so smooth.”

Sigh.

Tuesday. Another couch date. Another couch date that ended with me needing to go home and vibrate. There was ass action. There was over the sweater action. There was neck kissing. I had to work very hard to control myself. It was so cute. He was obviously nervous to go for the boob. Cause for a good portion of the night his left hand was pressed on my side right under my arm. So. either he was dying to tickle my armpit. Or. He was getting the balls to go for the boob. hehe. So cute. God. He's adorable.

On Thursday I got a tongue lashing (and not the good kind) because I didn’t stop by on my way home from school. He has his son this weekend and I still have not met him. So. I don’t think we’ll be hanging out til next week. I’m a little scared to meet the son. He’s 6. Kids love me. But. What if he doesn’t?

We are also getting into kinda interesting territory. Many people keep referring to him as my boyfriend. I wouldn’t call him that. We’ve been on 12 dates in 4 weeks. There is some discussion of how much our parents want to meet us. However, we haven’t had “the talk.” I enjoy that I haven’t had to have that talk – that there might be some sort of understanding – but still. It’s kinda strange. It’s strange because when I met Eric he was seeing someone else, and he had been seeing her for a month, and now that we are at a month, and I know how strongly I feel about him – it’s kinda weird in my mind. This is not making sense. It’s weird cause when we met, he broke it off with her – but he was kinda sad about it – which made me think he was pretty serious about her – but obviously not enough to not break it off to date me – so what is he thinking about me?

Jesus. I think too much.

I’m not worried. Or anxious. Just more wondering – when do “we” become we? Does there have to be a conversation? Is there a change? When does it happen? Parental introduction? Mutual decision? Spontaneous combustion?




*I miss Tim Hortons.