Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

So last night was my second date with E, it was lovely. He is lovely. Ahh.. But.. I fear you need some background..

E and I have been talking everyday, for hours, for the last 3 weeks. It’s awesome. I haven’t ever felt this way about chatting with someone. We just have so much in common, and this sounds so cliche. but it kinda feels like he gets me. I don't feel like I have to explain anything.. or feel bad for feeling a certain way. I dunno. It just feels good. So, last weekend, we had our first date, it was very casual, did some shopping at walmart and then went to see the guardian. It was really nice, he’s easy to talk to, cute and fun. When he dropped me off, I didn’t even give him the chance to do anything. I thought I’d play it casual on the first date, I wanted to avoid awkwardness, and it did really feel like we’d just met. When he got home we chatted on the internet for another hour though. I thought that we had both had an awesome time, but we didn’t make any plans for the following week.. and since we talk on msn all the time, I knew he wouldn’t ask for my number. So, there was no way to gauge what he was thinking. I was happy that it went so well. I was terrified that it would be terrible and all the perfectness would disappear. That I would lose whatever potential there might be, and my chatting buddy.

So, we continued to chat for a few more days, and I mentioned that I though we should hang out the coming weekend. He agreed. Said it sounded like a good plan. So. He took charge and made plans. I like that. I hate always being the one to make the plans. Made me feel like he cared about what we were doing too, which is nice in the whole online meeting thing. Usually boys don't want to make plans cause they want to end up at someones place. I stressed out about what I was going to wear.

All while this is going on. I’m having issues with Dom. I decided we finally needed to have the chat about how this wasn’t going anywhere. He’s really sweet and cute and amazing in bed – but – I finally sucked it up and admitted to myself that he is not the kind of guy that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with and since I see him almost never, it seemed silly to pursue it further. I also wanted to spend Saturday night with Eric, so I needed to break my weekend plans with Dom. So. We talked on Wednesday. He called to confirm our weekend plans, and I told him we needed to talk about the context. That I couldn’t do this anymore. He was surprised. He cried. I had no idea that he felt so strongly about me. Seriously. We’ve been talking for 5 months, but we have only been on 4 dates. So. We got off the phone, and I thought everything was going to be ok. He’d taken it hard, but I thought it was going to be alright. That is until I got a nasty message from him the jist was how he couldn’t believe that I did what I did and that he deserved another chance… So. I wasn’t hurt, but I definitely wasn’t thinking I’d ever want to see this guy again. So. He calls the next day to apologize. And he wants to see me. I don’t. He begs. I agree to meet him for lunch. Saturday 2pm. He drives all the way here, for lunch.

Lunch was terrible. There were tears at Applebee’s. He wanted to know why. I don’t like having to explain myself. He asked me what my least favourite thing about him is. I asked him what his least favourite thing about me is, not that I really wanted to know. But I wanted to know how brutal he wanted me to be. Apparently I’m not funny. Meh. I told him that his obsession with his physical health was bordering on self obsession. The whole thing took 45 minutes. I felt relieved and sad that I hurt him but mostly relieved. I like having a lot of balls in the air. Talking and seeing lots of guys until something serious develops. I think that things are better that way. Better perspective and no settling. But, when a guy wants to get serious and it's not going anywhere, it needs to end. And so...

After I went to Kmart to spend some time and to make sure that he didn’t try to follow me. Sounds silly I know.. but he was kinda scary and irrational. I had mum's cell and E's number written on my hand.. but really... a cell isn't going to be that helpful if he attacks me or something...I bought some pj bottoms. They are cute. I went home and obsessed about what to wear. I settled on a baby doll style tank top, low, black and sexy (i think anyway). With a cardigan, good ass jeans and heels. Some black eyeliner, and a necklace. He arrived early. He looked cute. He was wearing a soft brown sueded dress shirt, jeans and brown docs. We went to this really nice Mexican restaurant. My food was awesome. We had great conversation. Then we did nothing for 2 hours, drove around, talked, giggled. Then we watched the departed. Wow. Great acting, great writing, I was surprised by how funny it was. But. Wow. Everyone dies. And the killing is so cold. Anyway, we had a nice time. I was acutely aware of where his hands were the whole movie. They were nowhere near me. We both sat there with our arms crossed and our shoulders touching. It seemed like he looked over at me a lot. But then I was shifting a lot in my seat. It was chilly in there and my ass kept falling asleep. There was a lot of smiling. I kept wondering what he was thinking. If he wanted to touch me as much as I wanted him to touch me.

He drove me home. He pulled his car right up to my door. He didn’t turn it off. He didn’t walk me to the door. We sat there for a few minutes flirting. I wanted to see if he would try anything. He didn’t. I said goodnight and went to the door. He waited til I was in to leave. He is gentlemanly, he opens doors and waits for me outside the bathroom when I go in to pee. So, I assumed that he was really tired or something. Or that he didn’t want the awkward moment at the door. And at that point it would have been awkward, since I had no idea what he was thinking. I was/am still a little disappointed. It’s the second date, and still nothing. I was thinking maybe a peck on the cheek, or a hug… or something… nothing. When I got up to my room to my computer he had already messaged me. We talked for another hour. So, he wasn’t tired.

I don’t know what to do. I really like him. So I don’t want to push. And it's not like I'm in some dire need of affection. But. I feel like I never know what he is thinking. I’m also concerned that he’s not into me, or he thinks I’m not into him, or that this is going to head for Friendsville. Friends are awesome and I can always use more. But I want more from this. I love the feeling when you are starting to fall for someone. The slight giddyness when you discover that you have feelings. When you want more than friendship. I hate the feeling when you are falling for someone and you fear they aren’t falling for you. Falling for someone after two dates sounds so dramatic.... and i don't want to sound that way.. i just.. haven't been with someone that felt this good, in a long time.

We have a running joke about “being even” it’s adorable. He bought the movie on the first date, and dinner on the second, so I bought the movie on the second so that we would “be even” and therefore I wouldn’t have to see him again. When he reminded me that he bought dinner, so I have to go out with him at least one more time. I kinda sound like a bitch when I write it out like this… but.. really.. it was playful.. not bitchy.. in real life. So. I’m pretty sure we’ll have another date. So. I’m going to wait and see what happens. I’m not used to going on dates and not having the guy try to make a move. I don’t know if it’s cause he is shy, gentlemanly or not interested. I hope to God it's not the last one. This is tremendously fun. I don't want it to end.