I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.
I’m Not OK – My Chemical Romance


Sorry for the delay in posting kids. A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I’m just (still) not sure how to express myself. School has started back up and seems to be ok. My classes are interesting and although all the driving might kill me, I haven’t started dreading anything yet, which by the second week of classes is a first for me.

Eric and I have had some really good times. Moments so sweet that I wish that I could stay in them forever. Slivers of time when the world feels perfect and I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else but in his arms. When I feel like he is the only one I want and the only one I’ll ever want. When I feel perfectly safe. When I feel like I could do this one thing forever and not get bored. Moments when I am so happy to be his.

But. There is a But. I’m falling hard and fast. I know this. Every time I see him I feel it a little more. When we are apart it hurts and all I can think about is when I am going to be able to see him again. I’m losing control and it’s not comfortable. In general, I’m not so good with uncontrollable emotion, I’m even less proficient when I’m not sure how he feels. I’m not so sure why knowing how he feels makes me so manic. It’s not like I’m going to feel less for him, if he doesn’t feel the same way for me. I suppose it’s a survival mechanism. If he doesn’t feel the same way, I’d like some time to try and not be broken about it. I have this tendency to date guys that I don’t feel strongly about, because then I don’t get hurt. Eric is the first guy, since probably Matt, who I’ve totally flipped for, without knowing how he feels. And when Matt left me, I broke. I’ve been guarding my heart for so many years, and in walks Eric and foils my plan. And I love him and hate him for it.

So, here are the things that are bothering me, it seems like a laundry list, but writing them down makes them feel more manageable somehow:

- I am more vocal about how I feel that he is. I’m ok with that. But after 3.5 months, it would be nice to have some sort of idea of how he feels about me. A “You’re beautiful” or “I missed you” or “I’m dying to see you” would be nice. I know he isn’t about the words, and that is one of the reasons I like him so much. He’s about the action. If he misses me, he’ll make plans to see me. If he is attracted to me, he’ll kiss me – he doesn’t feel the need to say it. But sometimes I just need to hear it.

- When he has spare time, he often plans things to do without me. I understand the need for “guy time” but, when I have free time, I’d like to spend it with him – I wish he felt the same way. With my new school schedule is it harder and harder to see each other during the week – it would be nice if he could plan time with the guys during the week, so that weekends can be for us. Sometimes I feel like if hanging out with me became more complicated, it wouldn’t happen. That it only occurs because it is easy.

- I’d like to meet his family and his son. I know that he doesn’t care if they like me, and that he is not as close to them as I am to mine, but I’m starting to feel like we are hiding.

The lack of communication is leading to trust issues. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. He’s always been very honest with me. Like when we first started talking, he told me that he was dating someone else, and I was so impressed by that. (Mostly cause I was dating like 3 other guys and was not about to volunteer that information.) But, the silence makes me feel like he is hiding something. Every time we talk about this stuff he apologizes, I don’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want him to be sorry. I just want him to tell me how he feels.