Yes indeed I'm alone again
And here comes emptiness crashing in
Its either love or hate
I can't find in between
Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper
The time around my birthday is always filled with a lot of self reflection. The prospect of getting older doesn’t bother me on its own, it is the stagnation in my life that it is paired with that bothers me. I hate that I’m single, unemployed and living with my parents. I hate it even more now that I am another year older. I want to feel like I am moving forward.
Birthdays also are a really interesting time to see who cares about you. My girls never disappoint. My parents are so cute. My new friends very sweet. Even Joel sent me a note, which meant so much to me. Silence from Eric. Whether he forgot, didn’t care, or didn’t say it on purpose – meh. Its funny how silence speaks volumes.
I’ve been really good. I’ve met two absolutely fantastic guys. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am digging myself into a hole. I’m trying not to think about how potentially bad the situation is, but just enjoy getting to know them. But I am feeling stress about the whole situation. I hate hurting people. And I am scared this is where it is headed.
This coming weekend is Kristen’s wedding. I’m not the hugest fan of weddings, especially family ones. I’m not really looking forward to it. Nor am I looking forward to attending it stag. I know the saying about bringing sand to the beach, but seriously, it’s in St. Louis. I’m not going to meet anyone. I’m going to spend the whole day hanging out with my parents. :S All the wedding bustle has really made me think about my own, though. And how I hope I don’t put my loved ones through the stress that she is. Jesus. I’m tightly wound, but this is ridiculous.
Birthdays also are a really interesting time to see who cares about you. My girls never disappoint. My parents are so cute. My new friends very sweet. Even Joel sent me a note, which meant so much to me. Silence from Eric. Whether he forgot, didn’t care, or didn’t say it on purpose – meh. Its funny how silence speaks volumes.
I’ve been really good. I’ve met two absolutely fantastic guys. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am digging myself into a hole. I’m trying not to think about how potentially bad the situation is, but just enjoy getting to know them. But I am feeling stress about the whole situation. I hate hurting people. And I am scared this is where it is headed.
This coming weekend is Kristen’s wedding. I’m not the hugest fan of weddings, especially family ones. I’m not really looking forward to it. Nor am I looking forward to attending it stag. I know the saying about bringing sand to the beach, but seriously, it’s in St. Louis. I’m not going to meet anyone. I’m going to spend the whole day hanging out with my parents. :S All the wedding bustle has really made me think about my own, though. And how I hope I don’t put my loved ones through the stress that she is. Jesus. I’m tightly wound, but this is ridiculous.
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1 comment:
I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and spending too much energy on being angsty about the wedding. You're single, so what? You've just been in and out of 2 relationships, you're taking a break. So someone else is getting married, who cares. Plenty of other people will be feeling similarly to you. It's one weekend, and you get to leave the Michigan winter. That's a bonus.
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