it is weird how sometimes failure teaches us more than success ever could.

i've been working pretty hard at the school thing here. having a perfect 4.0 was really important to me. i was going to say "for some reason" in front of that last sentence, but that would lead one to believe that i didn't know why i've been anal about school, and that would be false. i know exactly why. as someone who has pretty much never failed at anything it was devastating not to get into teachers college in ontario. devastating. i don't know if i have ever felt more worthless in my life. i think the worst part was not knowing why i wasn't good enough. so. for some reason i had to prove, to myself and the world that i was smart enough, and i was going to do this with a perfect gpa. oh my. delusions.

last semester my special education prof ruined my gpa. she gave me an A-. i will never have a 4.0. Woe is me. i don't think that i deserved that mark, but i also don't really want to fight about it. so i've been working on letting it go. and the weirdest thing has happened - i've let it go, but it has freed me. no longer am i worried about pleasing a professor or getting an A. I can concentrate on learning and i feel free to speak my mind. it is weird, but i think that not worrying about the grade so much has made me a better student.

this whole thing got me thinking about other failures in my life, and how i've grown out of them and learned from them. its weird when something really shitty happens, all i can ever see is how craptastic everything is, but really, looking back those were the defining moments in my life, the ones that made me a better person - and that is weirdly encouraging.