I am not lonely, I swear to God, I'm just alone.
The Sound of - Jann Arden

How can one night end in two very different results?

It started with a fantastic conversation with the second boy, D. There was flirting. There was a lot of flirting. There were a lot of compliments. There was a lot of the types of conversation you have when you both find out that the other is not only interested but attracted as well. He wants to know what I "like." I don't know what I like! Not when I am talking to someone with whom I've very little intimacy but tons of potential. I could talk to my girls for hours about how and when I want it, but with him - I've got nothing.

I think part of it is that society has told us that women aren't supposed to actually want sex. We're supposed to put up with it. And I'm sorry my friends but I forgot my feminist roots and all of a sudden became very aware of my numbers. Is it too high? Too low? Too little experience? Too much? It's a touchy subject when the pairing is so new and there is so much potentially to lose.

Regardless of how much I was willing to discuss the conversation was very giggly and light and made me excited to see him again. Also insures that the next date will be better than the last as I become a far more interesting date when I know the guy digs me. So I get off the phone, conversation got so hot that it went from IM to phone :) To do some work and discover guy number one, G. is online and wants to chat.

Some nice idle chatter. Talking to him is always good. Even when he is grumpy about nerd things. So I wait for him to be less grumpy because of my attention and praise and I decide that tonight is the night to breach 'the subject.' That's right, we had a pretty awesome first date, and we've been talking like every night, but I have heard nothing regarding whether he wants to see me again. So. I ask. and I get:

"I would like to see you again. I'm still not sure of the context, completely though"

WTF kids. WTF.

Followed eventually by:

G: If you lived closer, I could definitely see us dating
Me: but?
G: A gut feeling - hard to verbalize - that we'd date and have a great time for a while, but it wouldn't be permanent. Eventually, one or both (historically speaking, both) of us would recognise that we weren't what the other was looking for.

So, I'm thinking he's trying to blow me off. That's fine maybe he doesn't dig me. But seriously, why talk to a girl every night if you're planning on blowing her off. But then....

"I look forward to talking to you; I'm comfortable talking to you; I value your thoughts; I think you're funny and smart and cute. I think you're responsible and kind. What I don't know is - are you who I'm looking for?"

Holy Jesus. H. Christ. I do not understand boys. Why is he worrying about this right now? We've had one date? Why does he keep talking to me? How can you be so unsure? and yet act completely the opposite?

The worst part? It has an incredible amount of potential. I can't stop thinking about how cute it is that he uses semicolons in IM. I can't stop thinking that I'm what he looking for. But I can't push it. I won't chase after a guy who doesn't know if he wants me or not. I will keep my mind open. I will continue to be his friend. But how can I wait around for a guy who doesn't even know what he wants?

So I got no sleep for thinking about how stupid and wonderful boys are. But I found out this morning that D had "really good" dreams about me last night :) I'm gonna go have a date with my pillow and hope for some of those dreams myself.