and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
Konstantine - Something Corporate

He kissed me.

Date number five. The third of our sitting on his couch doing nothing dates. Me becoming increasingly agitated. Don’t get me wrong. I love our sitting on the couch doing nothing dates, cuddling, chatting, watching random tv… sometimes it involves a board game. He killed me at monopoly, I won trivial pursuit. But, this kind of date is where the action happens.. if it is going to happen. That’s why “watching a movie” is a euphemism. So, when nothing happened, on the first or second time, I’m beginning to stress. You see he’s not very verbal with the compliments. He’s told me I’m cute once. So. I’m beginning to worry, that the lack of verbage mixed with the no action means that he’s not interested.

So. I went there. We sat on the couch. There was cuddling. He reached for my hand. There was a lot of cuddling. About 15 minutes before I was going to leave. My head on his shoulder. Lots of looking into his eyes. Lots of lip biting. Lots of lip gazing. No contact. So. I said… “You’re seriously not going to kiss me?” and he said “It’s really bothering you isn’t it?” and I’m thinking.. holy fuck.. it’s our fifth date.. it would be bothering a monk… and I say… “Yes”… and I turn back to the TV.. he takes my hand and turns my head and kisses me. Left side, upper lip. It was nice. The kiss itself was very nice. Although.. then I began to over think. Why did he kiss me then? Why not earlier? Why wait til I’m losing my mind? Is he just being nice?

I know I’m neurotic. I know. Why is the physical so important to me? Because I think on some level, that my attractiveness is tied to whether he makes a move. Because he hasn’t said or done anything.. I wonder what’s going on in his head. I assume that he just wants to be friends. The cuddling is awesome.. and really the kissing is nice, but I can wait. I just need to know if he’s attracted.. and this is the only way I know how.. yes.. there might be something wrong with me.

So… I’m getting ready to leave. He says something… I can’t remember.. but something to fuck with my head.. So I say.. “I’m not that into you fucking with my head”.. and so it came around to the kiss, and what’s the deal.. didn’t it bother him too? He said he’d never tell…. So he kissed me again. His hand on my upper back pulling me in. I started to leave and he asked if I was going to complain about that one too.. so I kissed him. And I left.

I could barely sleep last night. Thinking about him. Thinking about how he tasted. Thinking about how his face felt up against mine. Kinda picky cause of his lack of shaving. I spent all night wondering if this was real. Wondering if this falling that I’m feeling is for real. Wondering if my landing will be soft... Being scared of my own feelings and thoughts. When was the last time I had this many dates with a guy? When was the last time I wasn’t already bored? How scary is it that this has potential? How hurt am I going to get?