And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
The Reason Why - Rachel Yamagata

He told me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I can't say I blame him, I wouldn't want to talk to me either. But it still hurts.

I'm broken, and its all my fault. He's the vicitim, not me. There is nothing that I am feeling that is not of my own creation. I'm having a hard time with that. I'm having a hard time knowing that I devastated him and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. I've never hurt anyone like this before, and I managed to do it to the one person in my life who would never do it to me.

It's weird. I felt so shitty at the time. What I was doing to him. The lies, the betrayal. Somehow after we'd broken up I thought that everything would be ok. If I could just hide it, he would never have to know. He would never have to be hurt like this.

It's been suggested that I just accept it and move on. Accept that he won't ever trust me again. Accept that I did a really shitty thing. Just forget and move on. But I can't. I keep fostering this hope that we can move past this. Not that he will put me back on the pedestal, cause god knows I never belonged there, but that maybe we can still communicate. Maybe he can remember what it was like before it was shitty. Maybe he can be a bigger person than I am and eventually if not forgive me than allow me to prove my trustworthiness.

I can't let it go because I can't forget the last 5 years of my life. I don't want every memory of me to be clouded with distrust and hurt. I know I screwed up. Royally. In a way that I never have before, and that is pretty amazing for me.


I can't let him go and the terrifying part is that he has every reason in the world to walk away.