But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head.
Through the Glass - Stone Sour


We had sex tonight. So why is it that I can't stop crying?


Everything has been weird since thursday. I said something teasingly and it hurt him. At 10pm he asked me to pick out a movie to watch. I was kinda surprised but just assumed that he was tired and didn't want to make out. At 11 he was agitated, and kept looking at me and said: I can't believe that you picked a movie that you had never seen before. I thought you would have picked one that you had seen before. Now - this makes no sense, unless, he was thinking, if she picks a movie that she already saw, then we can make out. So I said: Ohhhh. I see. You didn't really want to watch a movie, you just wanted to make out. And he said no. and tickled me and then was quiet, but I was trying to watch the movie, so I didn't think about it. At the end of the evening. I went to give him a kiss goobye, and he pulled away. Said that if all I thought was that he wanted to make out with me, that there was going to be no kissing.

Eventually we worked it out. But, I left feeling weird. Part manipulated. Part sad that he might have though that. Just really confused and alone.

This weekend he went north to a friends cottage for the weekend. Well, the friend is his boss, so I think he felt some pressure to go, but all they did was play so it's not like it was work or anything. I was a bit frustrated, cause my parents were going away. So we could have spent the weekend together, which would have been really nice. But he left.

He called me when he got home. We made plans. I went over. Things got hot. Hot, but weird. Firstly he didn't have any protection. I did. But it's weird to me that he would initate anything without having something there. It also, was nice, but not mind blowing. It was awkward. I have short legs. Straddling him is a lot of work and my legs gave out. He's also not agressive at all. So it seems like he didn't do anything, any of the work. And he didn't go down, which is a major issue. I'm going to give him more time. But. I dunno. Plus, we were on his couch, which is not the ideal spot for the first time. I don't get it. After there was no cuddling. But we watched some tv and laughed. When I left I mentioned that I had an exam tomorrow and he told me that was easier than his day was going to be. He wasn't mean, he was just really cold.

I wasn't expecting the first time to be perfect. It never is. It's awkward. You feel like you're all knees and elbows. But it's supposed to be fun and warm and bring you closer together. And it makes me feel so far from him.

I feel cold. I feel like I don't want to do it again. I feel scared and insecure. I'm falling for him and I'm seeing these sides of him that are not ideal and I'm scared. We've been doing this for almost 3 months.

I'm disappointed.