So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind,
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.
Hate Me - Blue October


Joel was supposed to call my cell on Saturday when the hockey tournament that he was helping to coach was over. Apparently Alltel hates me cause when I was in Canada, I can make calls, but I can’t take them. So he was calling and I was waiting. Eventually he tracked down Al’s house number and reached us. I headed over. Butterflies in my tummy. What would it be like? Would he be angry? Would he try to win me back. To really understand my frame of mind, you need to know that earlier in the week he told me that he wasn’t even close to being over me yet. That’s a lot of pressure.

When I pulled up to the house the drive was full of cars and I could see an awful lot of family members through the window. Ugh. Great. I’m not totally sure I want to see Joel, and I get to hang out with his whole family. Plus – I’m not even sure that Joel has told them about us yet. It was alright, I got to play with Harrison and we soon escaped to the basement.

He’s not a happy guy. He’s frustrated with himself for losing me and he’s kinda unhappy with life in general. It was hard to see him. To look into those eyes. I think that the body has memory. My arms wanted to be around him. But it was painful when I told them that they couldn’t. It was kinda awkward, but not nearly as much as it could have been. It was more painful. The feelings were too bare to be awkward.

The rest of the events of the evening are kind of jumbled and make little sense. I told him about Eric. He kissed me. He told me I was so sexy and that he really wanted to be with me. I told him that the physical was never our problem but that we can’t do this. We can’t hook up every time we see each other because then it will never be over. Not to mention, I’m crazy about Eric. He told me he didn’t think he loved me enough to make it work. This sealed the deal for me.

The next morning we exchanged Christmas gifts. I just gave him some shirts. I thought it was neutral enough. Something he could use, but not too personal. He got me a book, and some beautiful pottery that a teacher at his school makes. It was the best gift he’d ever given me. So lovely. So perfectly me. It was like he finally got me. I lost it. Tears everywhere.

We went out for breakfast. It was strange. Moments of normalcy mixed with hurt and confusion. He has interpreted the fact that I have found someone else as me not caring about him because he was easy to get over, which is of course not true at all. He is lonely and his job keeps him really busy. He never pictured anyone other than me being the one for him. He told me I was beautiful. We made plans to try and talk a little more. He asked if he could visit me during the holidays, I told him I would think about it.

I cried as I pulled out of the parking lot. Not because I think that it could work, but because I recognize that something that could have been really good – can’t be. Because I care about him and he is in a lot of pain. Because five years is a long time. Because the dream of being together, married, with babies is over. Because I have to start over.

There was also relief. Relief that I don’t have to deal with his parents anymore. Relief that he knows about Eric now. That I don’t have to guard my words or lie about where I am when he calls.

I miss what we had. I miss what there was the summer between 4th year and the migration to Michigan. I miss laying in bed together, talking and giggling. I miss that he was good with words. I miss constantly being reminded that he thought I was beautiful. I don’t miss the fact that the words were never enough. The empty promises. I don’t miss the fights about his family and how I would always lose.

It was hard. I cried a good part of the way home. Before I headed home I went to Eric’s. I really needed a hug but I also needed to tell him what happened. He didn’t really care. He wasn’t happy with Joel, but he trusts me. I didn’t want to peel myself out of his arms and go home. But I did.

It feels good. It feels like moving forward.