In the morning through the window shade

When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade

I could see what you were reading

Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens

We broke up.
It feels strange.
I haven’t cried.
I haven’t even thought about when I am going to see him again.

I don’t miss him and I don’t know what to think about that. I first I thought I was in denial. That it hadn’t hit me yet. Or that I was running from my feelings.

I spent the whole weekend alone cause my parents went to Canada and Eric and I had the chat on Friday evening. So. I spent a lot of time thinking.

So far I think that I’m not so upset because I already have been for the last 6 weeks. As Pato can attest, I’ve been rather unglued. With retrospect I think it is because things have been falling apart. He hasn’t been the same guy, he’s been more difficult, more selfish, more silent and I’ve been trying to make up for it by being more into the relationship.

I’m not denying that the boy has something that I’m incredibly attracted to. And I fell for the Oct, Nov, Dec version of Eric. However, the more I think about it, the more relief I feel. I’m horrible at ending relationships, and this one wasn’t destined for where it needed to go. He’s awesome for right now, but not so much future material.

I think the biggest issue for me right now is that I really don’t want to be single. It’s not that I don’t like alone time. Or that I don’t love myself. Or that I don’t think I have any worth when someone isn’t showering me with attention all the time. I just like having someone I can count on. I like being the most important person in someone’s world. And I like it when I’m not always the most important person in mine. Oh. And I hate first dates.

**but - now my fantasies about Pato (&S's) friend Craig are far more appropriate.