Still I wonder why it is?

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you.

Like a Star - Corrine Bailey Rae

Again, it has been a really long time. And again, it is because there is almost too much to write about. And again, it is because I think too much and am incapable of just being normal and happy.

Things with Eric are a bit weird. Through a lot of soul searching and counsel from Pato, I’ve come to realize that the problem really isn’t any one of the million tiny things that irk me. The problem is that they all add up to me feeling unimportant to him. I’m crazy about him. I'm also in love with him, although I’m not sure I’d ever admit that anywhere but here. But I’m terrified. I’m terrified that he doesn’t feel the same way. And, the things that he is doing, like scheduling vacations with his buddies on the weekends I am available and not talking about his feelings scare me. Cause in my mind these are not things that equal falling in love. But Allison is totally right, I cannot dictate the way he loves me. Everyone is different, everyone has different ways of showing they care and everyone has different expectations.

So he and I need to talk. We need to talk about this importance issue. I’m under the assumption that if I am really important to him, that maybe he will be willing to change a little to put my mind at ease, and if I’m not important to him, than I need to reevaluate this relationship.

The fact that I might be needing to reevaluate this relationship at the end of the conversation is causing me to procrastinate. Things are ok now. I feel really strongly about him. My body hurts when he is away. When I see people kissing on TV I miss him. When I hear a love song I immediately think of him. When he touches me I turn into this puddle. The sex is really really good. He lives just down the street and we have a good time when we are together. I’m just scared out of my mind.

I’m also a little scared of putting all my eggs in one basket. I’ve been juggling guys for a while now, and while it’s not fulfilling, it’s safe. I don’t want to spend another 5 years with a guy just to find out that he’s not the one. The whole time I’ve been with Eric, I’ve also been chatting with Mandar and Roger. Part of the issue I think is the lacking of local friends – it’s nice to have some people who are excited to talk to me all the time. But at the same time, I’m not being fair to them, or Eric. And now it’s come to a head, Mandar wants to fly me out to visit him and Roger is making efforts towards a relationship and I need to stop it. But, feeling so out of control about Eric is confusing me.

Poor Allison, gets to hear my bitching and moaning everyday. All the drama. The internal drama, cause for once I’m in a relationship where there really isn’t any. You’re a good friend Al, and I don’t know how I would live without you.

When he comes home from spending the weekend with his buddies, we are going to talk. I promise. But I can’t promise I won’t be scared shitless.

*you may have noticed that I attached a pic to this post. In the beginning of this blog I was looking for anonymity, I had something to hide. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'm not looking for exposure, but I don't want to be ashamed of how I feel anymore. I think this might be the first step. Look forward to more pictures.