I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Sober - Tool

So I'm a huge bitch. This is where you lose respect for me. This is where I lose respect for myself. I'm a liar. A cheat. A betrayer.

There is another side. I'm falling hard for the new boy while still attached. I'm still attached. I am not even sure what I am attached to. I can't think of anyway to describe the relationship. It's barely a relationship. I'm not happy and I can't imagine that he is either. But there is history and in so many ways he is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But if he knew how I really felt he would die.

Why can't I let go? Why can't I cut my losses and walk away.

I hate that he will be angry with me. I hate that he will be disappointed. I hate that he won't love me anymore, because for so long that has been the only constant in my life. But I'm not being fair. I'm being selfish (so completely). He deserves to have someone love him the way that he loves me.

I'm scared. I'm scared to discover too late that he really is the one. I'm scared to be alone. And so I pretend. I tell him I love him and then I push him away.