Fallin' faster -- barely breathing
Give me somethin to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey

So. A lot has happened. It's sort of all in a mess in my mind. I should have written sooner. But I didn't know what to say/ I didn't know what I wanted to say. I still don't really know how to feel.

Joel came. We hung out for a few days. It was weird. It was weird because of how I was feeling. It was weird because he knew he would be leaving and we would no longer be together. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I told him I needed to see if I could live without him. Cause I have the sneaking suspicion that I can.

The following week. Felt weird. Lonely maybe. Strange because I had dates and hung out with people. But they don't know me the way that Joel does. They don't love me.

The next weekend. I went to a wedding with Joel. Not the smartest. I know. But I hate hate hate when people flake in plans on me. So I went. It was lovely. Beautiful. Classy. I drank too much. And. Yeah. The inevitable happened. There was fucking. It was awesome. It felt so amazing. It definitely wasn't the best sex evver, but there is something to be said about being so close to someone I loved for so long. I left the next morning. It was hard. He knows this doesn't fix anything. But it clouds my mind.

I spent the last 2 days with Dom. It was nice. He took me for dinner the first night. We watched Return to Oz, horrifying. We had arguably close to the best sex I've ever had. He's very skilled. He knows exactly what he is doing. The only damper on the whole subject is that he's a bit too endowed for everything to be comfortable. I came on top though, and that has never ever happened. He's also scaled back the suction too, my knees get weak thinking about his tongue talent. He brought me roses home from work. Ahhh... he's so cute... I still have second thoughts.

I'm talking to Andrew right now. He wants to hang out tomorrow. Our conversation is full of innuendo and flirting. I hate how much power he has over me. It's him that I am crushing on. And it's him that I can't have. What's the matter with me. It's almost like unavailability means that I am guaranteed to fall.