So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Beauty in the Breakdown - Frou Frou

The last couple of days have been really surreal.

First. There seems to be an ex-boyfriend revival. Joel called on Sunday. We had a nice conversation, but it’s a little scary. I don’t know if he is calling me cause he has no one else? Or cause he thinks that something with us can be fixed. I wish he would meet someone. I wish he would become to busy to obsess about us and what could have been. I know. I’ve been there. Thoughts like that will kill you. Wonder what went wrong, wonder what you can do, what you can change – instead of accepting it and moving on. My heart still hurts for him.

Jonathan called Monday morning. He’s in Ohio now, and he’s moved in with his current girl. That boy does move fast so I’m not surprised. I am surprised that he’s still calling me. Apparently she found a present that he had bought for me in his car. A necklace that says my name on it. Yikes. That’s a lot of explaining. Why was it still in his car though? I haven’t talked to him since like.. May? It sounds like he’s happy enough, which I’m glad for. And, it’s nice that he still cares about me, even though I don’t want to be with him.

Greg called last night. We had a really great conversation. It was good. I miss talking to him. He is well. Still no woman, which makes me a little suspicious of his reasons for calling, but I think he was just lonely. Still as I was laying on the kitchen floor, this new place has 2 phone jacks in the whole place – how retarded is that? One in the kitchen and one in the pu’s room. Jesus. So. I was laying on the floor at midnight thinking about how I hadn’t heard from anyone in forever, and now, it was 3 in 2 days. Weird.

Eric.
I love how he always wants to talk to me. I love how he doesn’t play games or wait for me to message him. I love how he calls me on my shit. I love that he gets my sense of humor.

So. He found out that I have a blog. He wants to read it. I said no. He begged. He threatened to pout. I don’t think the concern is that I’m talking about him, the concern is that I’m talking about him and I won’t let him read it. Which is cute, cause, he wants to know what I’m thinking about, and what I’m thinking about, about him. So. I told him that it’s not that I’m writing anything bad about him, but that blogging makes me very vulnerable, and it’s not like I’m hiding or censoring anything either. So, there was continued harassment. So. I though… hmmm.. this might be my chance. So. To illustrate:

10/8/2006 8:56:33 PM Eric: are you embarrassed by what you are writing?
10/8/2006 8:56:35 PM meg: you wouldn't feel weird knowing everything i was thinking?
10/8/2006 8:56:49 PM meg: i'm not embarrassed for anyone but you to read it.
10/8/2006 8:56:54 PM Eric: lol
10/8/2006 8:57:36 PM Eric: why would i feel weird about knowing what you are thinking
10/8/2006 8:58:14 PM meg: i think it would be weird.
10/8/2006 8:58:46 PM Eric: fine be that way don’t tell me
10/8/2006 8:59:51 PM meg: for example. Today’s entry... i wondered why we had been on two dates and you had made no attempt to touch me. no hugging, no hand holding, nothing... i wondered if you were shy? gentlemanly? or just didn't think of me that way...
10/8/2006 9:00:11 PM meg: these are the kind of things i write about.
10/8/2006 9:00:29 PM meg: not anything that should bother you.. but things that make me very vulnerable.
10/8/2006 9:01:02 PM Eric: do you want me to answer that?
10/8/2006 9:01:26 PM meg: honestly. i don't know.
10/8/2006 9:02:00 PM Eric: i will answer it in my blog which you cant read......lmao....muahhaaaaaa
10/8/2006 9:02:10 PM meg: grr
10/8/2006 9:02:20 PM meg: but do you see why i don't think you should read it?
10/8/2006 9:02:23 PM meg: at least.. not yet.
10/8/2006 9:02:29 PM meg: not while everything is up in the air..
10/8/2006 9:03:41 PM Eric: honestly i am very shy about that stuff......it is not that i don’t want to do it i just i am afraid it might either be at the wrong time or i might get rejected or something to that nature......so that’s your answer...I know it is lame but that’s the best i got
10/8/2006 9:04:11 PM meg: i don't think that's lame.
10/8/2006 9:04:29 PM meg: i think that everyone is afraid of that exact thing.
10/8/2006 9:04:39 PM meg: when everything is going well. you don't want to ruin it.
10/8/2006 9:04:44 PM Eric: exactly

So. I was able to broach the subject of the lack of action. Reading this now – I can’t believe that I did that. I am happier to know though. And, I think he is happier to know how I feel too. Cause the next thing you know we were planning a date for Tuesday night.

So. That’s tonight. I’m heading over to his place with a pizza and some beer. We’re going to watch a movie or something – I gave him the responsibility of figuring that out. At first I felt a little weird about going over to his house, but there is nothing else to do on a Tuesday and the weather here is shitty. And it was my turn to plan a date, and he won’t ever let me pay for anything, so I didn’t want to go out for dinner again.

So, I’m not obsessing about what I’m going to wear, good jeans, tank top, sweater. But I am obsessing about what I actually want to happen. I really like him. And I know that 3 dates is way too soon to start thinking about the future. But, I actually want him to meet my parents. I think a lot about how he and my friends would get along. Thinking about how if we stay together, I’m going to stay in the US and whether that is ok with me. I’d never REALLY thought about it before. I’d entertained the idea but I’d never met a guy I’d be willing to stay for. But, now. He also seems really interested in my citizenship status. Almost more than my Dad. Haha. I think scared I’m going to run back to Canada and disappear.

I haven’t been this happy in a long time. And, it’s all because of him cause school is annoying and having no money sucks. Jesus. I’m letting a boy get in. This is scary.