I spent most of last night dragging this lake,
for the corpses of all my past mistakes.
My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon – Fall Out Boy

I received an email from Joel, basically just letting me know that he is still broken. I know. I know he is still broken. I know, because I am still broken. I know because I know him.

At this point I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. There is nothing I can do make it better. There is nothing I can do to take it back. And I’m scared that I’m hanging on to the hope that we can emerge from this still as friends, but as I get these emails reminding me how horrible I am, I’m beginning to feel like my willingness to hope for friendship is some sort of a test, some way of trying to hurt me that way I hurt him.

So I wrote him an email. A somewhat diplomatic one I think. Explaining that where we go from here is up to him. I have no expectations. That I can respect him whatever he chose. But, that he cannot continue to vilify and crucify me if he wants us to eventually be friends again. I just don’t think that we can be friends, unless he can eventually understand that I made a mistake. Regardless, the emails need to stop.

I think it is good that he thinks differently of me. Although I hate it. I think it’s probably for the best. He was having a hard time getting over me. I needed to fall off the pedestal in order for him to put someone else on it.
But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.