'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life…
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been – Reliant K


I wouldn’t have thought that this past weekend could be worse than the weekend before, I didn’t think anything could be more heartbreaking than the weekend before, but I was wrong.

It started out nice enough. Friday, Eric and I met my parents for dinner to celebrate my Mum’s birthday. It was nice, easy, fun. We saw Déjà vu after, it was good. Saturday I did a whole lot of nothing, worked on some Christmas cards, wrote my economics paper, finished some Christmas shopping – everyone but Eric is done now. Saturday night I was feeling kinda shitty, my digestive system is still on the fritz and I’m PMSing, so I crashed on Eric’s couch in my jogging pants and watched hours of One Tree Hill.

Sunday morning, I spent chilling with my parents cause my Mum was leaving for Detroit for a week. After she left I noticed a message from Joel on MSN, sounded like he needed to chat so I gave him a call. We had a good chat, he seemed agitated, but I honestly thought it was about something like a speeding ticket or something… not the iceberg that my titanic was steaming towards.

It started innocently enough. He asked if I really wanted him to come. I was honest that I was torn. Then he started down a road and I knew immediately where it was going. I knew that he had found this blog. All of a sudden the only thing that I had kept me sane through this madness, the ability to spill my guts to someone, betrayed me, sold me out.

All I could process in my brain were these big red letters that said.. “HE KNOWS”. He knows that I’m a cheater, a liar and he knows the truth about Eric. I felt exposed and ashamed.

He is incredibly hurt. It’s understandable. I did the unthinkable. It is all my fault, and there is nothing that he could ever do to deserve the pain that I have caused.

I feel broken.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if it even can be fixed.

In a way there is relief. I no longer have to live a lie.
But I hurt one of the most innocent and good people in my life.
I drove away the one person I could totally depend on.

What kind of person am I? What kind of person does these things? I try to console myself with my obvious loneliness. But it doesn’t justify anything.

When he called he was too easy on me. Too understanding. Too nice. I still couldn't stand myself. I went for a walk, I ended up at Eric's spilling my guts about what a bitch I am. He was supportive - too nice. I came home and dreamed weird dreams. I was getting ready for school when the email arrived. The email that I knew was coming. The one that begins to spell out what a horrible person I am. I laid on the floor and cried. Cried first in self pity - that he would never see me the same. Then I cried for the friendship that I am sure to lose. Then I cried for his heart - that heart that I for so long occupied - the heart that is now broken because of me.

I wish I could just vanish. Fade into nothing. I wish I could make everything go away.