I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws sometimes, I even sin
So pull me from my pedestal, I don’t belong there
Halo - Bethany Joy

Today was shit.

I'm not good at having nothing to do. I the most happy when my life is bursting with projects and I have no time to even think. When I have time to think, I get depressed. I start to stew about the direction (or lack thereof) of my life and I start to wallow. So, this time of year, with its hectic waiting is kind of hard on me. Everyone is busy with family stuff, but I'm not, my fam isn't like that. I have too much free time.

I received a letter in the mail from Joel. A Christmas card with his picture in it. It's a nice picture. He looks good. Happy. Reminded me that the picture was taken before I ripped his heart out. It feels weird though. It was pleasant. Not overly friendly, but why send someone a christmas card when you're sending them emails telling them what a bitch they are?

Eric and I didn't talk yesterday. He was busy and I understand that. I wish that I could have talked to him about the Joel situation. I was looking forward to seeing him tonight. I needed to see him tonight. I needed him to put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I was still in class when he called. Called and left a message that he had a shitty day and he was going to bed and therefore would not be available later. Crap. I understand having crap days. I understand wanting to sleep through them. But. When my days are shit I want to be with him. I wish he felt the same way. Everything has just felt a little bit off lately. It's unsettling.

So. I'm at home with my parents. I don't know when I'm going to see him again. And I miss him and I'm bored and starting to think too much...